If I had a full tank yesterday, there is nothing more that I would have liked to do than just hop on the 101 in either direction, and simply go. Anywhere, nowhere, the shine in my heart & eyes coming back after being dulled and tarnished by over a year in hospitals. I’d just keep on going, pulling over in little towns, eating at greasy spoons, writing and being so gloriously anonymous as I watched the people who may live there, or may be passing through just like me… just a few days, after the weekend, then I would be back with a new peace, a new vigor for life…
But I didn’t have a full tank, so after the archery range I watched the sunset as I walked along the tide-line at ocean beach, then when the sun had squeezed all that it possibly could out of itself for us I headed back into the park.
Gods, it had… has… been so long since I just rolled around, taking streets that looked like they didn’t lead anywhere and discovering such incredible beauty with no one around…
enjoying the hellout of myself by instead of speeding up when some single rushed asshole behind me leaned on his horn, slowing down even more and giving him my biggest smile as I doubled the single finger he was holding up with my own.
I need to get back there much more frequently, and without question earlier in the day. It was as if, even only for a brief yet exquisite moment in time, everything bad was washed away, and it was just me, my car, and the music.
Home comes in many forms. It is where you feel safe, accepted… loved. It can be a specific place, or it can be anywhere that certain very special people are, but when the word is said, when you go there, when the definition rings true it should be felt in the heart, seen in a certain shine in the eyes.
Yesterday, I went home. Home, not in place but in people, in family, in love – where my family was.
Tears almost betraying me at times, my heart too big for my body, hugs, smiles, and a welcome – a welcome back, a welcome… home.
I stopped by CellSpace, and fell in love again as I watched my family, the Vau de Vire Society, rehearse for the upcoming Edwardian Ball Weekend… and decided that I’m going to do whatever it takes to build back the strength to perform with them again, though this time… this time, I will be stronger, healthier, and much more driven – as I know what it’s like without them.
January 1, 2012 – a day exactly like the day before yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and… and so on.
Of course I’m extremely grateful to be alive and for all of the incredible and loving people I’m blessed to have as part of my life, but sometimes… sometimes the walls that have surrounded me for most of the past fifteen months are far, far to white and lifeless, constricting and confining, and even walks down the hall or to different floors do little or nothing to quell the desire to post a simple ‘thank you, great to see you all’ about a party or show that I went to the night before.
This mental funk *will* go away soon, I just wanted to begin the cleanse by getting the words out of my head and letting them soak on the screen, so they’re easier to rinse clear of my heart & bring back the me I know that has them splattered everywhere inside.
Please, no obvious replies. I know you care, I love you too, and if there’s the slightest hint of pity in any reply that comes this way you’re a damn fool, because I should be dead at least twice over but I’m *not*; I just really don’t want to be here anymore, within these walls, especially with a necessary 24 hour pass request to do something as simple as go to the fucking store.
Furthermore, the mental funk is a much more pleasant place to be than the inside of an empty smile, because I know when the funk goes away the eyes will shine and the smile, just like this frustration and resentment, will be honest, true, and glorious, because every little emotion, every grievance, and every laugh shared with one of the nurses or CNA’s reminds me that, against the worst odds…