January 1, 2012 – a day exactly like the day before yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and… and so on.
Of course I’m extremely grateful to be alive and for all of the incredible and loving people I’m blessed to have as part of my life, but sometimes… sometimes the walls that have surrounded me for most of the past fifteen months are far, far to white and lifeless, constricting and confining, and even walks down the hall or to different floors do little or nothing to quell the desire to post a simple ‘thank you, great to see you all’ about a party or show that I went to the night before.
This mental funk *will* go away soon, I just wanted to begin the cleanse by getting the words out of my head and letting them soak on the screen, so they’re easier to rinse clear of my heart & bring back the me I know that has them splattered everywhere inside.
Please, no obvious replies. I know you care, I love you too, and if there’s the slightest hint of pity in any reply that comes this way you’re a damn fool, because I should be dead at least twice over but I’m *not*; I just really don’t want to be here anymore, within these walls, especially with a necessary 24 hour pass request to do something as simple as go to the fucking store.
Furthermore, the mental funk is a much more pleasant place to be than the inside of an empty smile, because I know when the funk goes away the eyes will shine and the smile, just like this frustration and resentment, will be honest, true, and glorious, because every little emotion, every grievance, and every laugh shared with one of the nurses or CNA’s reminds me that, against the worst odds…
I AM STILL ALIVE!