In the Meantime…

As far as the search for my Birth Mother goes, I’ll break away from my common habits and keep you posted as well as I can.
In the meantime, here’s a lovely blast from the past – one of the milder ones…

1/99
I began with a scream
a wail
thrust into this new life
pushed out of the comfort
and the warmth
and the security
in to a world that screamed back at me
and for a time
a very short time
I had the comfort of her arms
around me.
The arms that held me
and let me know
that it would be all right
because she was there
and my screams
subsided
soothed in the heartbeat
the voice
and the scent
so familiar
and it started
to get better
and the comfort was coming back
wrapped up in the nurturing arms

of my mother.

Then those arms
and everything that was peace inside of me
were torn away
no comfort no understanding why
nothing made sense anymore
and the screams came back
got louder inside of me
and that gnawing pain
was something that I learned to hide
so shut away so that even I couldn’t find it
didn’t know it was there
at such an early age.

They said I was such a quiet child
seldom cried, seldom complained
so everything must be
okay, right?
Alone
in a way that so few can understand
the arms of my mother
the arms of the womb that
I became in
gone
handed around to so many
such a precious child
look how good he is
so quiet
adjusting so well
give him no history and call him theirs,
pay the money, sign the papers
and hand him over.

He’ll be fine…

Taught how to completely fucking
SHUT DOWN
before I even knew what it was
that I didn’t feel
kept away in a secret fucked up place
that I didn’t even know existed
for these thirty one years
Nothing was right
passed around and cooed over
patiently waiting for that comfort to come back.
My first taste
the time I discovered how to be who I am
the year that all of the actions in my life became what I became
and even as I grew
thinking so logically
in order not to feel
Past the “Baby Boy Mathern”
The “Baby Boy Stenerson”
of screams (an identity even then of no-one)
past the knowledge
of nothing but loss and anger
I came into this family
of a man, a woman, a little girl
but they didn’t know, though they tried
and the screams inside grew louder
they didn’t know
that to raise a child
it takes so much more than discipline
they didn’t know how to nurture
this new life in theirs
Or maybe it was me
in a subconscious solitude
in a subconscious anguish
that would never let me open
that could never let them
or anyone
become my friend
become someone who I could talk to about
anything
but I don’t think so.
I’ve never had
the words of wisdom
that a child so needs as it grows.
words that I could listen to
and remember
when things just didn’t seem right
inside of me

and things never seemed right.

Never words
of how to believe in myself
of how to love my Self
never words of strength
or words of how to know
that feelings of hurt
and pain
and confusion
and anger
were okay.
were normal.
So feeling alone
was all I ever felt
and alone
was all I ever knew
and the years went by
but even with the sorrow
even with the constant pain
by then so much a part of me
I learned
I taught myself
I dealt with everything fucked up inside
alone
I tried to make sense of it all
and I began to become me

I taught myself warmth
I taught myself love
and what I think it means.

I made myself
into someone I thought I could love and
I made myself
a king
in my own heart
in my own soul
in my own life
and even though at times I have forgotten
even though at times I have let myself down
and had my doubts
I KNOW
who I have the strength
who I have the power
who I have the love
and who I have so much passion
to be
and no one can ever take that
away.
I have this knowing
that has come from no one except myself
because I
am the only person
I have ever
truly
had.

Casey ~ 1/99

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