I didn’t have the courage. I didn’t have an address. I wasn’t healthy enough to go through the stress again. I didn’t have the money. I didn’t have, I wasn’t, what if…  I could think of anything to put it off a little longer, vowing that one day I would start the search again, and pray that I wasn’t too late. That she might still be alive.

There were many times I almost began, but was prevented from starting with vivid recollections of the stress and anguish, the crushed hopes and shattered dreams of when I tried to do the search myself. The nervous breakdown brought on by a lifetime of perfectly suppressed emotion flooding my heart, and when that was gone the immeasurable emptiness, my .38 Colt pressed to the roof of my mouth, sitting on my futon in San Diego when I was living with Dana & Georgia. I don’t think I’ll ever stop wondering how much more pressure it would have taken on the trigger to make the hammer fall…

All the beauty I would have denied myself of…


But that is the past. Fourteen years have gone by since then, and I can’t come close to beginning to measure the splendor I have seen, the incredible people I have had the blessing (or in some cases, the curse) to meet, the dreams that have been realized, and the strength and courage I have found inside of myself. Fourteen years. It’s time to search again.

It’s time to find the woman who gave me this extraordinary life, and if possible, thank her, with all of my heart. If possible, introduce her to the people in my life to show her how truly blessed I am.

Of course, I can make more excuses not to hire the search company and put it off longer: it will take almost all of this check for the down payment, meaning none of the herbs that I need for my health – but if I don’t do it now, nothing will change in the near future as far as income, so I’ll just have to try to live without the herbs, hoping that I’m able to eat well enough, and praying that my health remains as good as it is right now.

I need to make this step; I’ve wasted too much time… and I need to do it now.

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