for too long

All the words that I wrote then rings just as true today. I’m praying that I get to write something different soon…

1/13/99
“I sensed my loss
before I even learned to talk”
and yes, this
I know
for too long
kept away from those places
in me
that could feel
keeping it all in my head
profound ignorance for what it said
to my heart
How close am I now?
Is there something missing in her?
can you take two missing pieces,
put them together –
and transform a world?
The sorrow that has hidden in silence
for so long
now has gained a knowledge
of it’s voice.

1/15/99
Early to bed
early to rise
a cup of coffee
a cigarette
wet hair
the morning sun streaming
through the clouds
silence has a sound.
Ring…
Ring…
“Hello?”
(Would I know her voice?)

silence

“Hello?”
“Um, hi. I was wondering if there might be a woman with the maiden name of Stenerson there.”
“Yes, this is she. Who is this, please?”
more silence. A question I have been wondering for all of my life. a question that I might
finally be able to answer.
“Hello? Who is this?”
“I’m called Casey, but that doesn’t matter anymore. We knew each other very briefly thirty one years ago, but I doubt that you have forgotten me. I don’t know your face, I don’t know your voice, and I don’t know your life, but I’ve never been able to stop thinking about you. The three months that we had together so long ago I can’t remember, either, but it has affected every relationship in my life, the way that I related to others around me, my expectations, and my fears. There has been a profound pain, an excruciating sense of loss inside of me all of my life that in some ways, I was able to ignore, in some ways I was able not to feel, but it always showed itself in my actions. Now I want it to be gone, and I think that you can help me.”

More silence. Her turn this time.

“This is your son, and I need to meet my mother.”

I don’t want this pain anymore.

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