Waking up after a restless sleep, wondering in which direction my life was heading and not coming up with any good answers but knowing the direction I want to go. I’ve become something of a hermit, a recluse.
A commitment to myself to start hanging around old S.F. friends again, just simply to be around them for the life they give me; the smile that I feel on my face and heart when I go to the Vau de Vire rehearsals, the sheer, beautiful madness of it all – them all. It’s a sense that can never be replaced, never duplicated – and perhaps, in the near future, even being invited to work with them again. To *perform*.
The conversations with Bobzilla hanging out with him in his back yard… and so very many others that I haven’t seen for months – not in person, not the way it truly counts. Just following their posts on fucking Facebook when all I need to do is drive a few miles, make a call, send a message asking to meet for coffee… and feel that I am alive again.
Then, like a bad habit, I go to Facebook and see, from a very good old friend at the top of the page, this:
“Bad news guys, just got back from the Doctor. Looks like my liver is shutting down. I am packing a bag and headed to Hospital for testing but I know in my heart it’s my time. I need a good home for Joe Bull. That’s about all I can think of to say right now. E.D.”
It makes me sick to my stomach – not as much that he may be dying as you may think – but that it sounds like he has given up. This is not the person that I knew, who never gave up on anything that I know of. This is not the person who a few days ago requested that I create an herbal regimen for him to follow so he could get better… and I can’t believe that it is. I REFUSE to believe that it is.
When I was dying, there were *many* times that I just wanted it all to be over with – but it was the love and support of friends, acquaintances, and people whom I didn’t even know that brought back my will, that gave me the strength when I needed it most.
Now, I ask you – if you could, please offer a few words for him, so he might pull his head out of his ass and keep fighting – and so that I can follow up on the commitment I made to myself thanks to your love – to help as much as I possibly could with the knowledge that I learned, and the wisdom that you reminded me of and taught me.
He’s English Don – that’s his name on and off Facebook – and I would truly appreciate it if you reminded him, like you reminded me, how incredibly worth living life is.
~ kSea flux