bday rant shit

And somehow, the Journey continues.

It’s not simply just another year alive – I look back to older writings and photos, think of things that could be, and realize that this passing of the day I was brought back into form should be, could be something special.

Still, it doesn’t ease my distaste for my birthday, and I know with every stale, colorless, unimaginative and seemingly obligatory ‘Happy Birthday kSea’ (SMALL ‘k’, CAPITAL ‘S’ – yet another thing I detest about that fucking site that won’t let me have the name I gave mySELF) that is posted on facebook I will cringe. I try not to question the sincerity just as I try not to loathe seeing the same ordinary well-wishes, word for word, over and over, written without feeling and forgotten, told that is what they are supposed to today in between taking a shit and posting another ‘click “like” if you’ on facebook… but this isn’t supposed to be a facebook rant. Just, if you read this, try saying more than five words that came from your own mind. Quality, baby – not quantity. I would rather receive three heartfelt wishes for a happy birthday than have to bear the weight of ten-thousand lifeless souls.

But I digress…

 

The fire is being rekindled, the discomfort of complacency is prompting me to act – but there lies the fodder of confusion – I want to do EVERYTHING, and wanting to do so much leaves me at the place of ‘Where to begin?’ What, exactly, do I do now? Do I begin at the beginning or at the middle, like I would if I finally decided to get CultureFlux going again – and *if* I decided it was time to throw everything I am back into CultureFlux, what would the personal return be? Would I have the same passion for it? If I decided to choose the beginning of something, what would that something be?

 

What fresh new dream can I make happen?

 

As always, the road calls – I need to figure out what is stopping me from simply getting back on it, and going – going… any direction, every stop I wish to make in the middle of nowhere, be it looking out at the sunset over a beautiful valley or  in the middle of an exquisite forest, or hell, even to Slab City for a bit – anywhere but one place for too long, and I’ve been too long here.

Here. Here met with quite a hiccup in my plans, but I was exactly where I needed to be in order not to die. Funny how that happens so perfectly, regardless of what I want to have turn out, every single time.

 

I need to learn how to listen again. I need to remember to see. I need to make the best of what I have, here and now, and wait for the winds to blow me where they will…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

But I must wait. I must have an address to find my mother.

 

Fuckit. I’m tired, going to sleep, and waking in my reclusive day.

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