you and your

I do believe that you’re mistaken

when I read over and over again

‘you’ and ‘your’ –

You see, I never became.

I created me without any of you

lost in blankets of destruction

swathed in a shattered past

lost in a heartbeat never heard again

lost and never forgiving

this make-believe somebody

this undying nobody

for what I did to you,

the only one.

And my life has been extraordinary

and my life has been unnatural

and I don’t think that you will ever understand

what you did to me.

what you made me fight for

what you made me hope

hope that one day, one day – you might come looking

for your child…

“When the pregnancy was discovered,

your Birth Mother did not inform your Father

as she did not wish to marry him at the time…”

Gods forbid and fuck you for being so weak

and I love you for being so strong, because maybe

just maybe

you had no possible idea of what it would do to me

to my life, forever and always

because they didn’t know then,

and ‘they’ will never know…

but

I need

to know

you.

~~ ~ ~ ~

Driving on Highway 52

San Diego, heading back to the beautiful life you gave me

you sacrificed for me

so you could do what you wanted to.

I was searching for you then

Dad was driving, I was shotgun

and the woman who helped raise me

was in the back seat of the car.

He, always curious, always annoying

asked how the search was going and

I offered as little information as I could

but then

but then…

“I don’t know why your searching for her”, she said

“She’s probably dead anyway.”

And I’ve never hit a woman

the thought not ever crossing my mind

but at that point, that instance

when there were no words to be found

it took everything I had

everything I believe myself to be

a good man under any circumstances

a good man to anyone, everyone,

a man of more character than brute force

not to see her face, the mouth those words came out of

cave under my fist…

because if I had started

I couldn’t have stopped.

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