Fourteen Years and Forever

 

Wanting to Fly.

 

The photos now hang on my wall. Images of the woman who gave birth to me, the man who fathered her. Proof, for the first time in my life, that I truly exist. Proof that I am human. Proof that I am of blood and bone, heart and mind, but – so much more.

There will forever be a deep-seeded sorrow inside, and this I now know. I have no other Self to relate to, to remember, before it was a part of me, twisting itself inside, coursing through my heart long before I knew how to speak the words to help understand it. This pain is unique to the adoptee, to the child ripped from its mother’s arms, dropped inside a world where all that it knew – her heartbeat, her scent, the sound of her voice that leaked through the walls of the womb it became in, were gone. Though we try to understand, and eventually on an intellectual level we may manufacture enough excuses to be able to effectively ignore the ache, it is something that never goes away.

What we do with it, however, is our choice.

 

All of my life I’ve been creating different futures for myself, and rooted in every one was how I imagined myself at the end of this quest. That was the goal. That was what I focused on; who I would be when one of us found each other, what I had accomplished, if she would be proud of me, if she would want to know me, to meet me. Every single “what if” that I could imagine. If she would even be alive, or, if I would. Swirling inside of me at the same time was the frustration of it all, the futility, Every moment was a fight to feel real or feel nothing at all…

But here we are, with the searched for found, the journey over and just beginning, the pieces in place and the final moment to end and begin again waiting. I’ve been reaching for this all my life, but now that I’m here I find that there is no resolution. No end. I could never see my life past this point, but now I must.

I must begin again.

I return to the questions I have never been able to find answers for, not because I am a fool, but because I’m not a pawn. The real questions are too big to have an ultimate answer. The Universe expands. The more we see the more we understand there is to see. A new beginning, a different end, another beginning.

It is now time to re-make me. From the beginning, from today.

Once, everything I was looking for was her. Everything I thought I needed was on the outside.

It’s time to remember that everything I have always searched for… is already inside of me, just waiting, wanting to fly.

I just need to decide which cliff I want to jump off this time. The wings will always appear…

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