A Present

A little every day, I try. Piece by piece to be put away again until another time, so many lives dug out of their holes in my motorhome and packed in whatever I had handy, whatever was available; bags, boxes overflowing with who I have been to me and others. Who others have been to me, and always will be.

Take away the decay of memory, take away the flesh of time and I am left with the bones.

It is these that I have kept – pieces of those who wandered through my life, who perhaps unknowing to them, changed it.

If I could truly open my eyes and look at all the things I have kept – a ring, sock puppets, words, a couple mixed tapes, play-piercing needles… a sonogram buried with an apology in an old journal the same day she and I released Blue from binding us forever… I keep bones. I keep tributes, testaments. I hold onto lost dreams because in the shadows, the forlorn and forsaken, I reach harder for the light.

A little every day, remembered and put away again. Who I was. Who I am.

I should have kept one bullet from the .38 Colt I held to the roof of my mouth to remind me that so many of these things would have never happened if the smallest bit more pressure released the cocked hammer, but no. I have the words written when I put my gun down…

 

I’m looking at it right now, another part of my past, my present. A Present. A flier from not too long ago that found its way into my hands for a show. “SideShow – A Benefit For kSea”

I am proud today to say that it still brings tears to my eyes, still inspires me, still refreshes me and makes me believe in Who I Am.

Helps me to remember so many things, and so much love.

 

The years in the hospitals, watching so many die around me but not giving up, fighting Every. Fucking. Day to stay alive, to get better, and promising myself and so many incredible people that if I ever lived, if I ever made it out of those doors, the dance would continue… those places took my soul, but you gave so much of it back. The rest was up to me… and now, somehow, it is time again to be who I need to be.

 

I still have room for so many more beautiful memories…

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