Day 4 of 1500

Day 4 of 1500

Still the constant pain, nausea, and feeling like there is a colony of ants burrowing under my skin when I am adventurous and tired enough to try to sleep, but… it’s getting better. *I* am getting better.

I have tried before to do this. Tried, and failed. This time I am winning. The halfway mark has been passed. I WILL win, I will come back from over four years of the numbness, the absence, the nonexistence, the empty shell of who I was, the man I remember who was burning with passion and fought for dreams.

It was well over four years ago that I was prescribed my first bottle of morphine, and then it made perfect sense. The pain was bearable but still got in the way of most things I wanted to do, so when my doctor recommended the opiates, I warily accepted. I knew what would come of it as I still had clear memories of the agony felt over twenty years ago when I was kicking heroin for the first and final time after a daily two year habit. I knew what would come of it but the alternatives were weighed and the decision was made.

Twice over the years it appeared as if I wouldn’t need to wrestle with this, that everything as far as the morphine addiction goes would be well taken care of by simply dying, but appearances can be deceiving, and here I still am – one year and one month after my last hospital stay, and getting better as the days progress. Better, but only in some ways. Everything was still blunted, vapid, uninspiring. With the help and inspiration of incredible people, I had conquered death  – but only to come out on the other side still a ghost.

I want to give you more than that. I want to give ME more than that, more than haunting memories of seeing how high I could fly, how big I could dream.

No more. No more wishing I was here.

I’ve gotten over what I hope and believe to be the hardest part, last night was actually able to sleep for four hours after being awake for thirty six, and though I am still days away from “better”, this time I am NOT going to give up the fight.

There is no way in hell that I am going to go through this again.

In a week I’ll get my monthly ‘disability’ check for the impossible-to-survive-on $380, and hell – I just may celebrate by spending some of it on a nice dinner, seeing as it will actually have time to digest after all of this is over.

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2 responses to “Day 4 of 1500

  1. last time i tried to to one of your missives, i wrote quite a bit and the system ate it. so this is a test . . .

  2. and it worked. Do it, do do do it. You’ve proved you are capable of anything. The full ability to FEEL, be it happy/sad/whatever is a human gift indeed.

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