wings of life

In time I believe it will all come to fruition. In time, but I am an impatient bastard, cursed with a lackadaisical attitude on the outside of my insides, and a heart that wants to do everything NOW, in the grandest possible way.

I’ve realized why I want to recommence CultureFlux – why it has been gnawing at me for so long. I am completely, head over heels, deeply, gloriously, unapologetically in love with Wonder and with the people who create it. I wish to promote it in every way possible, and CultureFlux, quite honestly, is the best vehicle I have found. The best vehicle that I have found to bring these people to life in their own words, to show who they are; larger than life, driven, passionate, true to their dreams. True to their soul. I see it. I see it, I see them, because I am them, for as long as I could remember and I want to be a part of it and more, because even as the world crumbles around us, we shine. We fucking shine so brightly that I think if who they are gets out there, even to only a few, it will inspire those few. It will inspire them to realize that while it may not be easy, it is most certainly possible, and the world they want is out there. When I was younger, much younger, I only had dreams. The world has changed – in my life, in my heart, in what needs to happen. THIS is how we fight.

I’ve fought my own battles, a living testament to the power of the mind, I simply chose to live and to dream larger and more beautifully of what could be, wanted so much more, dreamed of being on the stage again over and over and looking at all of the beautiful people and this was the vision I kept in my head, this was the vision I fought for when I had to press the button for the nurse because I didn’t have the strength to even turn enough in the hospital bed to put the bedpan under me. This was the dream in my heart when I pushed them away, finally, and for the first time after being injected with paralytic chemicals because even when I was unconscious I tried to rip the tubes out that breathed for me. Even when I awoke I couldn’t talk, couldn’t even write. Bobzilla, as much as I loathed him for not letting me die, saved my life – and when I woke up, I hated him for it. Fucking HATED HIM… just. let. me. go. away…

Come touch me here so I know that I’m not there.

I don’t hate him anymore. Alive, awake, living, and now I piece together all the parts of my past to make me whole again. Now…

Now it may be time to let go of the past. Yeah, I should be dead, ashes to ashes, spread me in the Sea so I never stop travelling…

So now I try to dredge up the passion, to forget that I should have been dead a few times over, to thrive again. To be who I once was. I’m not going to lie – it is difficult…

But how could I truly live if I didn’t jump again? Of course I am afraid. Of course I am uncertain.

Of course, I need to keep fighting.

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