just to live

 

I don’t know exactly when I lost it or when it left me. Perhaps it was when I was taken out of my motorhome for the first time, second time, or even later, when I was told I was to be living in this apartment after the hospital stays. Whenever it was, I wasn’t aware of how much it was needed or even that it was gone until just this morning. You see, all I thought I needed were dreams, and those… well, those I have by the hundreds, all swarming around inside of my heart, trying to take shape inside of my mind so I can see exactly what they are, where I will be, and who, if anywhere and anyone when they come to fruition… but I didn’t realize that just as important, if not more, was hope.

I have been here before in my heart and my head and my soul and it was deeper then, the absence more profound than I felt that anyone could know and still live. Then I understood death in all of its absence, and in finding the pit, I was the lack of everything,  pure solitude, unequaled, unrequited deficiency. What is what we call “human”?

I dig this up from the past.

3/24/99

 

because there isn’t anything

that makes sense anymore

 

because there isn’t anything

that i have to make me smile right now

and the pain of my impatience

has control over me

and i feel

futile like nothing will ever

be complete

and i hate it all right now

and i hate you all

right now

and fuck this place

and fuck this job

and fuck this morning

and fuck you people

and fuck this page

fuck the moon

fuck the sun

fuck the stars

fuck this life of nothing from nothing and

i would love to open myself up

and feel this poisoned blood

leave me

watch as it stains the sheets

a final crimson

watch this morning

and everything else

 

disappear

 

as my eyes slowly close

 

but wouldn’t that be

just so fucking

redundant

 

and what if tomorrow is just

 

a little bit

 

better

 

 

 

3.24.99

i look out the door to the gray sky

same as it is inside

when there is nothing left

and nothing matters today.

 

i look to the gray sky

the color has faded from this boy

dead eyes and an empty heart

and nothing matters today

 

i dream of the peace in draining

on top of my bed, eyes slowly close

and i feel as there is nothing left to give

i’ve never been able to see it so clearly.

 

a dream of over and done with

i just don’t care anymore

and it doesn’t matter who she is

i never knew her anyway.

 

erase forever and always

never have they made much sense to me

when the beginning of the story is nothing but a myth

the author gets to choose his own end .

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hope. Hope is what enables me to get out of bed in the morning, when everything seems to be crumbling – or worse, when everything is the redundant horrid deep and agonizing same, every single morning. When I fight with all of my heart for someone trying to rekindle slivers of who I you know that I am but cannot remember, when I look towards the end of the means and see nothing; jaded, fooled, led into a pit of dark despair through a strange and unforgiving sense that I am now broken, that the years in the hospital beds only repaired the outside.

Who am I now? Where is the person whose passion seethed through every word written, who couldn’t live without a pen and anything to write on, whose fist came back bloodied, ripped open when the words weren’t enough and I could only loathe my reflection in the mirror of the Crow Bar because I could not hit the unknown woman swollen with child smoking and drinking and I ran to the bathroom, choosing to fight my reflection, reflection shattered with a fist of who I was then? Who was I then? The blood soaking through my glove I adored the life in the pain as I kicked my bike to life and nothing mattered but the wind and the guttural throat of my pipes as I threaded my way through the cars and was alive.

Tell me I am still the man I am supposed to be, life or death on an uncaring whim, the glory and sorrow of solitude complete, echoing inside of me, knowing the emptiness and how the world was etched upon my heart for no one else to see. I am not the answer to your pain, but if you listen closely, I will tell you things that no one else knows about life, I will sacrifice mine for yours.

I cast this crumbled life aside, I fear for the woman who perhaps sees who I was and chooses to love me. I fear for the woman I am afraid to love, but do.  She will go away, just like the others. She will go away and we will both be better for it. I am damaged. This I know. I am reminded by what someone said to her about me – “Do you know that he has this and that? Do you know that he is dead already? I’m only looking out for you.” Fuck you. I am death, I am love, I am me, I am nothing, everything. I am poisoned with a life lived in full and I told her long before you ever had the chance to try to destroy me in her eyes. This is my life. In shades the pathetic warn another for lack of their own life. You seek to destroy the faint sense of happiness that I might remember. Do you realize that in your disgusting voice that you have, with your ‘good intentions’ that you have brought more death than I ever could?

 

I am words, I am passion, I am more than your pathetic life that needs to destroy. I love you, I pity you. Grow up and live your own life. Do not try to rescue me from me or any other. Somehow, she still loves me for now.  Love is not physical; it is tainted at the very least in its truest form, and I believe that I was cursed and blessed with this poison for the sole reason of routing out those who do not know how pure it can be.

Lacking a mirror to slice my fist open in, I end this now. Sometimes that someone is so hard to find, but I love her, and I will always have me. I will not suffer you. I have fought and lived to live.

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2 responses to “just to live

  1. so get off your ass and DO SOMETHING…do you see the pattern in your thoughts and writings over the years yet ksea? everybody sure Does. you were given what..a second, third, fourth, hundredth chance at life now…yet you choose to hide behind your computer. waiting. hoping. DO SOMETHING. when you choose to do nothing you cant be pissed over the nothing you got from it. tons of people are sick. we are all dying. we all suffer. life goes on. stop the stupid cycle thats been going on forever now and DO SOMETHING.

    • I came close to deleting this comment, but then thought. I thought of a few things. First – you are right. Whoever you are, you are right, and I thank you. I gave more than I knew I could to stay alive, a fight that seemingly drained me, leaving only the empty husk of a man.
      But it didn’t. Certainly, I see things differently, but there is still a life somewhere inside of me, and in it is the same absence of fear I once had and will again. I have never professed to be whole, or to not play the fool – nor have I ever been only what I wrote.
      There are shimmers of life still inside, ripples on this pool of desire. In the ripples there is still a hint of life, and these I cling to. On the peaks of the waves I live, in the valleys I write.
      There has been beauty in watching Ruby play at the park, in the way the arrow flies from my bow, in knowing what I could be – but these I don’t write about anymore – at least for now.
      Though I still believe in who I am…

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