again, me.

 

This feeling is the feeling I get when again the blood courses through my veins, is not emptied through a sense of being forsaken only by me, is not emptied, soaked up in the immeasurable gauze that I once wrapped my legs daily in, far before the hospitals, just trying to contain all of the passion inside by writing it out, performing, creating. I did not die, but I have been dead.

Now I Come Back.

Few can relate to what I fought through – every fucking day hoping to die, to have a simple candle lit and my name in a book of all that had passed through the doors, the doors that through which I met the most beautiful people that had given up. It was these doors, on Duboce by Church st, that I made myself walk in and out of, just to breathe the air of the street, of life. I refused to take the elevator, as that, in my mind, would be giving up. I trailed a path of blood and fluids up the single flight of stairs, was grotesquely entertained as I watched what the nurses and doctors thought was my life inch rapidly for the drain on the patio, only size 15 shoes, unlaced, could contain my painful feet every single step an immeasurable chore. This is my mind, this past cannot be forgotten, but… but it can be improved. I never want to forget.

Now I come back.

I watched too many people give up and die. Far too many people that I could not help. Trust me. I tried. They were uncertain of me at first, but grew to be my friends. Thirteen in twelve months.

Now I Come Back.

After nearly two years of having everything done for you – meals, bed, errands, everything… the need for life, the desire, the drive – is subdued, extinguished. Whether you exit the doors standing or on your way to the morgue does not matter. You are dead all the same. As a driver you never see the corner you are in – you always look to the next, planning. As an Archer I am not the bow, not the arrow. I see only the target. I breathe the target. My target is life. (Gods, that sounds silly.) but it is the truth. You should never see the turn you are in, you should never focus on anything but where you want to be. Living for today? yes, that accounts for something – but what kept me alive is the desire for tomorrow. For the target, for the next turn. For you.

Now I Come Back.

Today is most certainly glorious, live it like it has been stolen from death – but do not let go of tomorrow. To not let go of the target. That is what keeps me alive, and

Now, I COME BACK.

I cannot thank any of you enough for being my target – but I will try. I will fight from the depths of my heart, for you.

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