all that I have


34,939 words. 121 pages in a ten point font in a little more than one and a half years.

And that was a low point. I’m just getting started again. Quite honestly, I’m fucking done of playing the victim, this role that was ingrained into me while the Doctors, Nurses, and everyone who didn’t believe doted on me, answered my every whim, and expected me to die.

Sure showed them, didn’t I?

I showed them what is possible when you know, with all of your heart, that you have something else to live for – and are willing to fight. I showed them the power of determination, and was more than once called a miracle – but honestly, all that happened is my unfailing passion to live, to teach, to grow… and to forever be able to see the simplest of things and feel humbled.

I must admit that it appears from what people incessantly ‘share’ on Facebook that this world is going to shit, and if you are only able to see the evidence of the masses – well, so long, and thanks for trying… but really, did you?

Do you have even the slightest idea of who you are, what you can accomplish? How you are so incredibly connected with everything and everyone around you? You cry, you complain, you imagine suffering. Wake Up.

Magical power in sounds and words. Perhaps the link between sounds and words and quantum physics existed in the observer of these vibrational patterns. All organs and cells vibrate. Perhaps when an organ is diseased, it is no longer receiving vibrational energy from the rest of the body. The Qabalists believed that the universe was created from sound. Thus by reciting sacred sounds, changes or transformations of matter could take place. Healing could simply consist of reinvoking those sacred sounds in the body. In other words, by singing or reciting the correct sounds, various parts of the body, out of harmony, could be brought back into harmony. Perhaps this is what the shamans do when they chant. Shamans invoked changes in nature by calling for them to appear. They didn’t just call out, they sang the words. A word, when spoken in a certain way, invoked the thing spoken and not just a symbol of the thing spoken.

Fred Wolf


At this point I must interject – as no one has ever been able to describe love or passion using a scientific method, but if you are fortunate enough to suffer for love and/or passion, let it be your muse. CREATE.

Create life, create love, create passion. Express them. The world calls it art, creativity – but those are only words we formed to dumb our senses. It is life.

Here’s a really simple quiz: Could you live (or remain somewhat sane) without creating… anything? If the answer is ‘Yes, you could live’ – congratulations, you are dead – but except for the emptiness in your eyes, you look great! Just please, don’t try to talk to me – I am forgiving for so many things, but… I also am a very skilled archer and shooter – yet words are my primary weapon, to create, destroy, or just simply remain the Fool.

But I digress.

Stare at yourself in a mirror, and then close your eyes. What do you see?

LIGHT, stars, infinity. Hear the words you say out loud or to yourself. Never deny that you create the world around you.

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself” ~ Leo Tolstoy


I changed myself. For better or worse yet I do not know, but the challenge comes back – to change myself, to write, to inspire. To forever travel the roads, the sacred places, and as long as anyone lives in your occasional thoughts, they will always live.

I am not a victim anymore. I love, I feed on passion. Yes, I have been through more than many, yet still I persist, I find the warrior inside, and…

and give myself to you.

Never hide who you have fought so hard to become. I lost everything but you – and in reading all of the writings over the years, I have no question I would be lost without you, ashes spread in the Sea.

You are all that I have

all that I have besides me.


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