for the good and pain of it all

Stories of love lay deep inside of us all, be it love for family or partner. It is the love we have shared and yearned for that makes us cry to the forever “What If?” that we recall, forgetting the wisdom so hard fought for over our learned ages and returning us with hopeful heart to memories of laughter and light, forgetting ourselves and what we need. I write this because words are where I find my wisdom, because this is my voice and you are distant.

At times, as difficult as it is, we must slip through the cracks in our walls and for their sake as much as ours, be courageous, be honest to ourselves, and realize that perhaps this moment has been played to its extent, and as true as the venomous words that are spoken may be, these words we speak are the only way we know how to break the binding chain. I spoke words laced with poison only to match the frustration of feeling that they never were heard. I write for the same reason.

Yes, I love her, but I am a pawn of passion, and I know, deep inside of me, that I cannot love without it. I have searched, I have tried, I have dug so fucking far deep inside of my soul, but I also know, through death and life, me.

We try to talk… I attempt to explain as I have in our past, and I know she is beautiful, and I know her lips are laced with gold when they kiss me, and yes, I know she tries to make me see her, and against everything she says, I do, That is my gift. I  do see her, and know, as beautiful as she is, that I am not meant to be hers. Npr her, mine.

We part tonight like you might scream in hatred and sorrow knowing deep inside the loss. It is so horribly familiar – but so seldom on this side. I search for the courage to let you go. We live our lives and grow because we need to.

Sometimes it takes more than what we are to release love, and let it become what it should be – for the good and pain of all.

Fare well, lovely woman. Hate me, despise me, do what you must to make this right inside of you – but know me beyond my spoken words – I will always love and appreciate you, and this is what must be now for us both.

Never goodbye, only farewell, and I hope that soon you find the passion you deserve.

One response to “for the good and pain of it all

  1. “Destiny is not always preordained. Life is about making choices. Our lives are the sum of all the choices we make, the bridges we cross, and the ones we burn. Our souls cast long shadows over many people, even after we are gone. Fate, luck, and providence are the consequence of our freedom of choice, not the determinants. When justice is served by following our principles, making good decisions brings us inner peace.” —Judith Land, author & adoptee

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