I take it personally.

It’s actually quite funny. I got fired from a gig for being drunk when I was quite sober. Tired, weary with little sleep but as always ready to work – but not intoxicated in the slightest.

I got there late due to the train (and yes, me) but once there, at a bar on the wharf cheering for New Zealand and as requested, dressed as a pirate to inspire, entice, and engage the customers – I WAS a damn pirate. The very first thing I did was find my co-worker, who offered me a piece of minty gum after saying I smelled like alcohol (which didn’t surprise me, I had just celebrated the best birthday of my entire life with a dear friend the night before) – and then, and this is a key point – I grabbed one of the poles that was supporting the long tables they set up, and, quite honestly, did what I was supposed to and dressed to do – to be a Pirate. I hollered for New Zealand. (Oracle can suck my a**) And gods, what happened then…

I had – I guess we had people coming up to us in elation, one girl even said she changed bars, came to us, because she saw me on the table. I danced with people, I played with them, I held little back, but some. I played with kids. We passed out their schwag (eye patches) until we were dry – and yeah, pictures taken of me and us everywhere.

I engaged in no one improperly. I held good and fun conversations. I am not bullshitting. If I were in the wrong, I would be the first to admit it, but – I truly believed that is what they wanted. Seems like the patrons did.

Maybe it is just an excuse. Maybe everything is. If you don’t want a performer, ask for a pawn – or at the very least delineate boundaries – but don’t fire me for actually being a character that you asked for.

Yes, I  take this personally in ALL that were involved – Some people are weak, some are impetuous, some just try to survive.

I choose to not try any longer. I will just simply live.

I admit – this is was a very difficult post to write; leaving out names, most anger and words. In forty-six years, I have never felt any anger to a recent ex… I have felt passion, hope, and well wishes – but never anger. I have studied this, and know it is only a small part of me, where this comes from. I have always striven to be a better man – and I have always written about them all, in understanding or trying to find it… until she asked me not to. Doomed from the start, and she is beautiful, and people tell me I am, and…

Life goes on.

I’ve fought far too hard so I can give my life to others. I believe your life is yours, and that is good – but…

2 responses to “I take it personally.

  1. I don’t believe you.
    You may take a break, and just live for a lil’ while, but I can’t imagine your spark won’t flare up and get the best of you just when you get tired of being tired….
    I love you because you can’t seem to NOT succumb to vehemence and adventure and excitement when it finds you. And I suspect it will. Again. and Again. and Again.

    • Words well written, as always. If you question my sobriety at that time, that is a contest that neither of us are able to enter into and win.
      I live, I am alive. I have fought so hard for this, and yes, I yearn for every moment.These are gifts.
      I don’t know, I don’t care, I don’t need your disbelief. I write for me, not for you…- but you are correct. I live a life of fervent passion, and go where it calls me. When the spark is subdued, it comes back as a fire that I can only try to control. A burning inside of my soul.
      I have learned not to try to satisfy anyone except myself; I have learned that in order to satisfy my Self, I need to take everyone else’s pain and call it my own.
      I only hope, My only hope, is that I might be able to release them from it, again, and again, and again.

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