in the meantime…

in the meantime it’s been both heaven and hell, though I do my best to always walk through the latter.

The Holiday season brought me to my Mother’s house, a ride in between Christmas and New Years thanks to my NewSister… it is still so difficult to count them as family, but every strange once in a while, it hits – but I have to work for it.
I’m not certain who I am without looking for them – that is all I’ve ever been. Now that they’re found, …

who am I anymore?

I tell myself I could not be happier. I reach inside and shatter. She is perfect, they are. I don’t know what to fight for now. I NEED to find something, because that is all I know.
All I know
Is the fight, the curse, the hidden sorrows that have come to fruition, that have changed themselves into… joy? Happiness? WHAT the fuck do those words mean?

But there is a place inside where I know. Know… something.

I know passion
I know love
I know peace
I know serenity
And somehow in finding all of these things

I have lost them.

I found my family. I found, after 25 years of searching, my blood.
Why can’t I accept it? Be the vein of the river that gathers and becomes the Sea?

I want to live with her, take care of her, find her secrets and tell her mine. I want to uproot her from her tiny town and show my Mother the worlds I see in her.

In the meantime, I want to remember how to open. Remember my vulnerability.
Drop the knives, the bow, the lifetime of hurt and let them clatter to the floor around me.
Give her everything.

Not what I have created, but who I truly am.
I need to scream at her. Hug her so tight that her bones are nearly crushed.
I want us to show each other what we have missed.
I do not want to feel peace
Unless it is found behind the veil.

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