until it’s all gone

Standing in my bathrobe and boots on the roof. Hot Sake’, a slight breeze and warm rain, waiting for Ruby to finish sniffing the same things she’s sniffed a thousand times before and do what she needs to so I can maybe sleep the night through. It’s unlikely, but I always hope.

Perhaps this is the single drawback of being a stay-at-home doggy daddy without a set schedule.

It was an interesting day in my head today. Something triggered it, no idea what, but I started thinking about weight. The weight I carry with me.

Though I have believed that I don’t hold grudges, let things go almost as easily as they come, I found that there are some things that I hold onto. Some things I don’t want to forgive or forget.

I lie to myself in thinking that these things give me power, strength, just in case I ever see the people who raised me again… but I realized that maybe that is what feeds the cancer inside of me.

I need to let it go. I need to forgive.

Forgive the feeling that I never made my dad proud. Forgive them for putting my dog to sleep while I was away at boarding school without telling me – until I came home for a holiday, ran past them to see Bear again, and he wasn’t there.
Forgive my mom for blaming her breast cancer on me, time and time again – and forgive her for saying “I don’t know why you’re looking for her, She’s probably dead anyway.” when I began the search for my Birth Mother.

As I write it out, as I feel the anger and hatred seething inside, it seems nearly impossible to let go.

Still, I know I need to. It twists in me without my conscious knowledge until now, eating what it can, ripping everything I try to do apart, taking up far too much space in my heart.
I created it, and I can kill it.

I need to cut this rope that binds me to them, as I know that until I do that, the noose tightens and in the quiet times, I destroy myself.

There is work to do.

I need to let this go if I am to survive, need to truly say goodbye. Until I do, they will have power that they don’t deserve over me, power that I have fought most of my life to take back.

Seeing it is an incredible step, but still – only the first one.

I need to remember that I am one HELL of a lot stronger, better, and more worthy of good people than I tend to think.

And I think we all are. We all have our ghosts, but when seen clearly, they are nothing more than a slight breeze.

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