nothing

“Trust me.”

If only they would hear how this is from my heart. If only I could believe that it made a difference.

All I have is words. All I have are these words and the gift of them. I want to take away your pain. I want to reach inside of your heart and take all of the hurt away. I want to reach inside of him and rip the cancer away, giving it to me. For him, for you.

Trust me. All I want is something better for all of us.

For me, for you. Words… these words make no difference that you can see, but trust me …

I would happily give the life I have fought so hard for to him.

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Dig this.
I want you to feel uncomfortable. I want you to see me as me and beyond the uncommon.

I am more than you could ever imagine, I am safe.

I smile so very easily.

I hve been though and through everything and all
And as much as I want to sometomes

I WILL NOT STOP.

I will not go gracefully  into  any dark night.

Unsaid

If you hold value in my heart, I will say what I feel – regardless of the consequences.

When I was there, many days I thought I would die. The wonderful nurses, NP’s, and volunteers made certain I was as comfortable as I could get… but I saw it in their eyes.

“He’s a good person. Polite, respectful, strong. But… he’s as good as dead.”
and I was – but was better.

Laying on that bed I thought about so many things I haven’t said – to friends, to lovers, to you.

So I made a commitment.

If I lived, I would say how much I loved you. IF I lived, I would sacrifice everything

just for a moment that showed you how much I care.

If you don’t understand, so be it.

 

I am me. I am everything, I am all  – I love you with all of my heart, and I will tell you so.

Only idiots are frightened by honesty. I mean no harm.
I only say what I need to.

inside

Today
for now
I sit in my bed for the first time
in a long while
upright

and wrong.

I think of darkness and
candle light
wishing that the sun would go away

because
in this fully- lit electric life
we talk and we talk about
what we are doing.

We talk about our outsides…

For one night, alone or with friends,
prepare dinner ahead
light candles
and see what you say then.

You will find a difference.
You will speak of feelings
You will speak from the inside.

and if you are alone
you will still be heard.

in time

There was once a time when I had all the time in the world.
I was indestructible, immune to all life could challenge me with. Stronger and understanding that it’s just a game.
Nothing has changed. Nothing but time.

Misunderstood and it’s you, us; not me who destroys what never will be/ I have a timeline.

So much heart unspoken in the hospital beds, I now find my voice – and scare you away in speaking it.
I don’t depend on time anymore. I say what I need to. I don’t speak anything short of…

Once, I had the luxury of saying nothing, in waiting,

only believing in time…