you are

You have been everything for me. To me.

I do not forget.

I do not forget that you helped me live, gave until I cried, again and again and still now.

If you are reading this, it is sent to you. Take it personally. Know what you have done.

Against all odds, fighting what should have been if I were a lesser man,

You saved my life.

I do not forget, nor take what you have given me lightly.

You are everything to me…

and I will be there when you need me.

what we can.

I thought I had been through enough to handle everything by now.
Little could make me happier, more thrilled and humbled meeting such exquisite souls.
And life goes on, and I know its beauty – from the homeless person to
your shine.

There is no difference. You could easily be on the streets tomorrow. In hours. In minutes. Life is adventure, needs to be. Security is only imagined. Everything burns, everything changes – and in change comes magick.

Jerome. That is his name. He has been living on the streets for six months, losing everything when his wife and mother died a few months apart.
I walked past, we made eye contact, he said nor asked for nothing.

Just another homeless person.

no. No one is “just” anything.
I stopped. Turned around and and walked back to him. in that half block between the streets, I pushed out the jaded person I had become… and again became who I AM.
In a few short steps, I thought of the many times I have been homeless. Living between buildings, in strange yet sheltered warehouse carcasses, on the beach underneath a sandstone bluff, trying to sleep under Safeway at 16th & Portrero.

I know. I have been here before, and carry it with me as a reminder.

His name is Jerome. I gave him everything I had – one dollar, a couple cigarettes. I sat with him for 20 minutes – or ten, or a lifetime and saw him as a person.
Take the time. Take the time to adore all and everything – or just simply say…

Hello.

named

Some things need to be named.

This morning a friend suggested that time would be better spent outside of my head, and at times that is good advice – but the head is still there, haunting, playing, destroying when I come back to it.

I swear it is leagues with my heart… but my heart should know better. It;s been through enough.

I reach back into my mind to find the pain that my heart says it should have, to find the sorrow, to find the…
Out of sight, out of mind. What I once was I am still and more and yet how is it that I feel as if you have passed me on for the other person who makes your life on facebook a bit more lively?

I see my demons. I reach inside and find them, learn their names and destroy them. On of them is called ‘alone’.

the path

And I go on.

All of the dreams I have lived, found and forgotten, all of the dreams that that have made who I am today…

The life I have lived, seen, and seeked, I have become, at last, me.

It was not an easy path. I did not choose “easy”, though I could have.

We go on, knowing that we made the right choices, thinking, perhaps, of where we would be if we didn’t.

One Single Choice and here we are, knowing that knowing ourselves is more than anything we could have hoped for.

Knowing that we need to keep learning, finding, lusting after experience, finding, maybe at times, love.

I regret nothing.

I continue to dream, I continue to wonder…
and

I go on.

The people, the friends in my life, remind me that I am on the right path.

A way

I need to believe that there is a way past all

all of this pain I hold inside.

I will not try to explain, I don’t need you to understand
This is me, only me, and there are worlds that I’ve become

Far past you, far past me, and the person that I believed to be
Who am I? That’s a question that is answered every day

So I keep dreams, hold them close, make a beauty of them
some have grown, some have been lost, but none of them are forgotten…

You will never see me unless I choose to give you
and somehow, you see me, small in the corner…

And through your eyes I awake, see me and all I am
but where are you, I don’t need you – I am the strength I have to go on

But if somehow you appeared, could see all of me I hold inside
It’s not always pain, sometimes it is glory

So where are you, who am I these are questions I can’t answer
at least not now, but in time, I will be all that we seek…

Welcome to this growth. It is not for everyone.

What a delightful surprise to hear from you and right before Father’s Day.
We have been concerned about your health and well-being and are relieved to hear you are well.
Great you reached out to your mother and I had to smile at the picture when I saw the two matching noses.
I’m touched by your concern for me and your kind words. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that I failed you. I certainly wish I would’ve done some things differently but I suspect that’s true of most fathers.
Years ago and today, I find comfort in knowing that you are God’s child even before you were gifted to us, that He  loves you and will never abandon or forsake you or me.
Quick update. Your mother is still doing college planning and I am still doing executive coaching. I have two new clients that are exciting. One is on the executive team for Disney in China the other is head of immigration for the country of Australia and she has 50 attorneys reporting to her.
Your mother broke her arm about three months ago in several places. It is her right arm and her motion is restricted but she’s coping. I was diagnosed with bladder cancer in March and then I had a stroke fortunately there was no permanent damage from the stroke.. I’ve had my bladder removed and now have a pouch. I’m totally recovered and playing tennis twice a week so all is well.
We love you and glad to be reconnected, Mom and Dad
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Before I can say anything else, I must address the animosity and pain that remains inside of me. It is not directed to you, but you are the sole person in the family I choose to talk to after all of the time.I was in a hospice, and everyone – my doctors, nurses and even friends – they expected me to die.

The last contact I had with Jill was over the phone, and when I could barely lift my heat off of the pillow without extreme pain.

She asked me if I was working, had a good job. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS???!!! I AM DYING! Please pardon my language, but that is what I felt. Still feel. She never visited me, nor did Katherine who had a stop on the train she took every day only one small block away.

Eighteen months, a year and a half, and the people that once called me “family” were nowhere to be seen. They offered no comfort, made no attempt to say goodbye.My friends did.

It was in those months that I saw that this “family” was a farce.

I have never been easy for you. I know that – but knowing now that you will not choose to be there when I eventually do die, that you will not offer comfort, peace, or anything I might need – well, that changes things, doesn’t it?

You, pop, are the sole and single person that I still love and admire.
I don’t waste energy on hatred, I simply say a final goodbye, and rip the people I hoped to believe in out of my heart.
Your ignorant wife is gone. Katherine is gone. I am much better without them than trying to pretend that they didn’t cut my heart open, walked away while I bled.Such is life. Thank them for teaching me the ways I can not expect anything from anyone.

I don’t think you will understand this. I know you more than you choose to believe. I have studied you, and always asked “why?”.

I want nothing to do with the woman who you call my “mom”. She has done more harm than she will ever understand, and for that, she deserves nothing more than my pity.

I have a great job now. I help people through my writing. I have found a way to use everything I could not say to you, and have made it into a profitable business.

I will write a book about my 18 months in the hospital soon, and will mention you – and tell the truth about her.

I know you love her. I just cannot understand why. I think that is is only habit.

Until again, farewell.

Death.jpg