Right now I am imagining myself in a small forest. Living in a 10×10 tent with all that I could ever need inside and all that I love outside but not separate from me. Only a zipper and a flap between us when I or they come looking for companionship. A friend.
Right now I am creating the future by reliving the past. I know what I want. I will have it.
Right now I vividly see my dog, the Grandmother Tree, our fun, seriousness, my lovers and friends.
Right now I need this. I am doing all it takes to remember.
In my notes I find a gift to me:
“I find it hard to breathe in your arms. it has less to do with the urgency of your embrace, the strength in your slender sinewy limbs… more the relentlessness of your self. i find myself outnumbered, surrounded, because you are starving, ravenous, for life and love and laughter.
and these things i have, like candies spilling out of my overfull hands
i hold them behind me, not to taunt you, but unsure that i can surrender them without loosing fingers.
you are no tame bird”
and this reminds me to again take wing.
You could have no idea what 18 months of physical captivity did to me. You have no idea how many times I thought of taking all of the morphine I had saved for the one single purpose: to die, to be free.
It would make it all so much easier.
In a few weeks or months you would forget me, save for the infrequent glimmer in your mind, or perhaps the half-taken gasp where you thought you saw me for a fraction of one scarce moment.
Right now I am fighting just as hard as you, just as hard as we need to to stay alive. I do not give up, only let go of the things that I have learned are not worth my time.
What I went through did change me, this is true. How could it not?
But I am the same me. As full of love and anger as ever – and more.
Right now I am becoming myself again – full of passion, love, rage and the pureness of wonder.
It has taken time. There was a lot to think about. There was a lot to digest… and I made mistakes.
I am stronger now. I have learned.
My wings are again unfolding.