risk in honesty

As I said to Anne-Marie Goco earlier in the night, I miss ticket stubs.

Something to put in my overflowing box of nostalgia, filled with letters from past lovers & friends, mementos, photo-booth images & trinkets that mean the world to me.

I open it every few years, and just one thing can take me back to such special times.

Another small box is packed with all that Stardust sent me. Cloth, gifts, notes, a leather cuff she made with my name on it. We fell in a strange type of love through words alone, sent went while I was in NOLA, she in L.A.

I would like to think that it isn’t me that has changed – I have the same heart, the same mind, just a bit more worn and weary.

I would like to think that in writing to a maybe her that I am the same person.

What I write, what I risk in my words only reveals what I value… but perhaps I am not the same person.

A bit less carefree, a lot more inappropriate in a world of red flags and red-tape caution. A wrong word, a bit too much heart and suddenly you don’t give a fuck who I truly am. Who I am outside of my words.

Admittedly, I say foolish things. I have a tendency to say what I feel… or, at least I did.

Is that really so foolish?

 

For the past months and recently I have wondered where I have gone wrong, what has changed in my writing, and though I notice I am not as eloquent, little has changed with me.

I still believe in love and risk. I still am not afraid to say what I feel to someone I value.

That seems to be my weakness. I will say what I feel almost all of the time, and then realize…

That I am so very weary of all the reasons, either true or contrived.
I don’t wonder anymore where my passion went – it is still there, still here, but just simply not allowed in world of anti-social media. I have pushed it away and tried to not be me. Fluff is what seems to be important.

I have a box – a few boxes, that have been repaired, adorned, and are sacred to me for the memories that are inside of them.

In my life I have never known so many people – and I have never felt so alone.

This is not what I lived for.

I will continue to fight. I still believe in love. I still believe in and have passion, and I still have dreams.

I wait for a someone to share the same, and we will help each other fight for what seems to have been forgotten.

And together we would blind the world in our shine…

 

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