the view through closed eyes

I find her words again, and hers, and theirs. I do not write this to boast.

I write this to remember. I write this to come back.

I will. I am. I am still inside and I feel myself clawing at the flesh of forgotten wonder.

I am not a stationary man. I wander, I am meant to travel, to spread my wings and fly. I am meant to explore, adventure, discover.

The only thing that lasts in my life is love.
As I write this tears stream down my face and I remember too much, remember all of you.

I will always love you. From Brigida in 7th grade, to Kat who changed my world, to Michelle who made it beautiful. All the others. I remember your names, remember you.

There is still room. When we parted I gave you your piece of my heart, and you gave me back the same. There will always be room, that piece. A heart full yet wanting.

Sometimes they took it all and I had to rebuild. I am reckless in love. It is my curse, my benefit, my gift.

My curse.

I guard my heart dearly. I have lived, explored, seen and can still love? You need to deserve it these days. I do not give it out as freely as I did before.

“i find it hard to breathe in your arms. it has less to do with the urgency of your embrace, the strength in your slender sinewy limbs… more the relentlessness of your self. i find myself outnumbered, surrounded, because you are starving, ravenous, for life and love and laughter. 

and these things i have, like candies spilling out of my overfull hands 

i hold them behind me, not to taunt you, but unsure that i can surrender them without loosing fingers. 

you are no tame bird”

 

from another…

I do admire you… I do not know how you do to live the life you live. You remind me of the replicates in the Blade Runner Film. So wild and beautiful like poetry lost in time… like tears in the rain…

 

Do birds ever come to you?

 

I will be praying for you these days… for you, my friend, to get home soon. I am so very glad life is good to you because you are so good, way over too many stupidities of this world. And, I might be wrong, of course, for I perceive your nature must bring this need to pull it all the way. Not being a slave at any risk… it’s a pretty good damn meaning and purpose. I believe in you, you are an inspiration to life itself…

 

I feel you have been giving way too much, and you are so intense, could be dangerous like love… you seem from here like a wild tender beautiful authentic being, more than human. I want to pray for you to find what you are looking for, what you really need….

 

There is something of me in you; still we might be completely opposites… You are, brother, creator of fantasies, worlds, and million thousand ways to fly. I watch you fly mesmerized; still I wish something wires you to the land… I don’t know why, sometimes I wish I could become that wire to connect you with your land, or at least, send it to you in some magical way…

 

The higher you fly, the further away, the deeper this wish buries in me… like a dream, it cuts. It’s not easy to say this kind of things, to describe this kind of experience without some fear…

 

I hope you’ll understand… I hope you do receive a kiss and a hug with these words which aren’t enough, I know, but it’s all I got now…

 

these I write… no. These I read in order to remind myself of who I am. Not who I was, not who I need to get back to, not who I could have been… who I AM.

Everything we have always have searched for, needed or wanted is inside of us.
I close my eyes and see.

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