It grows. Seethes through my veins, my tissue, looking for what it needs.
The muscles spasm, insides turn to a viscous liquid as it searches. The ache is small, but gnawing constantly, never resting.
Not letting me rest. The cold, the hot, the cold sweat, the snot dripping from my nose, a stomach in revolt…
I’ve been through this before, but it was different then, I think. A lot changes in 25 years.
This is my life. What I deal with, every single day – to a degree. This, and the reason for it. Do you hear me?
You can’t understand.
This is my curse and
somehow my gift.
I move on, being who I can, loving deeply, and through this, only finding those who can accept me.
It is hard to see it as a gift, but I must – for all of the loneliness, all of the pain, all of the frustration….. – it only makes the dreams I do have larger…
And the love that I am able to give more complete.
Do not feel sorry for me.