It comes with me everywhere now,
how could it not
in the life I have chosen
In the pain that was handed to me
on a not-so-silver platter when
I began this fresh life
in an indescribable anguish
and lonely had such a different meaning
After trying so hard to be like them
I found that I wasn’t at all
so I always searched
for the sorrow
for the passion
for the madness
and the ways to make
all of these go away.
I frequently ended up
giving the drugs power over me.
It helped when nothing was inside.
I could justify the thoughts I had
the absence of feeling
with the drugs
So they became all that I could trust…
the fuck has always been mine.
The Fuck is my power
The Fuck is my control
and up until recently
the only control I felt.
I let so few of them see the sickness
and then, only a bit, as even I still don’t know
it’s full depths.
The ones who saw
always came back.
Of course they did.
They were selected for what I could see in them.
Certain ones. Certain women
Something in the eyes, their movements,
a wicked smile, a wanting, a yearning,
a hidden emptiness behind the lust in their smile
the taste of their sweat…
and they always came back,
wanting more of me – more of my flesh,
more of my cock, more
of what maybe they could see in my eyes
before I even dared to realize that it
was there – before I had an idea of
how sick it might be…
but that was years ago,
and as I let it come
as I looked for it in others
Still never able to be fully realized
never able to give
never willing to give
the rightness hasn’t been there in the way
it needs to be,
save for so very few times, and those times
only made me want more.
always someone who can be for me
so much more than a body
as that’s never been enough to satisfy
this hunger inside of me.
Anyone can offer a body
Flesh is only flesh
but if that is all they are willing to offer,
that’s what I will take,
that’s what I will use,
and that’s what I will control
because I have that need and
I know that I can.
And perhaps someday
there will be another
who I might finally unbuild these meticulously constructed wall for
and trust deeply enough
to show the pieces of me
that even I am afraid to see.
To go so far past the flesh
and the sweet juice of the fuck
to go so far past the body
because that is far to easy and
this hunger won’t be satisfied
until I lay down with a woman and
she is willing to abandon
her soul to me.
I will take it
and in my sickness
I will tear it apart
in my sickness
I will consume it, piece by piece
until it is my own, and we are both broken
Then, slowly, I will bring it back
carefully mend it
putting it all back together, piece by piece
like shards of a strange dark puzzle
making us whole again –
in my love making her soul
so much stronger and returning it to her with
almost every piece
pure and shining like the stars
her soul glowing and white and strong and nothing
but peace inside …
keeping the bruised parts
the parts where the pain came from
the parts that twisted her
made her afraid
and made her hurt
away from her, inside of me
keeping my own shadows company…
so that maybe,
she doesn’t have to feel them