I look around my apartment before I begin with the words again, wondering how the two large bags I lived out of for so long became… this.
This gallery of the past, my past. The gifts, the beautiful notes people have left, the images… only whispers of the things I have done.
So where does the story go from here? Here, now… now that I find it difficult to even imagine being who I was once? Is that lost to me, only a memory of better times? Sometimes I look back and feel that is something close to a curse, for I know I could never be that person again, nor would I want to – I would need to be more than what I was. There is no other option that would make sense to me…
I read what I wrote only nine years ago, during my time with The Dresden Dolls Brigade and how that, by far, was truly the most magickal time in my life… up until living for four months in a tent in The Enchanted Forest in Austin, then New Orleans… gods, so much beauty, so much love, so much purpose… I pointed myself in a direction and just went along for the way the journey unfolded into so many dreams……
I look around my small apartment, Ruby sleeping by my side as I sit on my bed, and look around at all of the things that I am.
I read what I have written in my journal and see all that I have learned. All I have been blessed with, all the wonder that I swore to myself that I would never lose, all the dreams I would never stop fighting for…
It all began with writing. From a crap job that I loathed to working with The Dresden Dolls, and all of the amazing people I helped to realize just how extraordinary they are… including myself.
A reference from Whitney to Amanda, emails to AFP & back and my entire world changed.
Words. Stories. Heart.
So here I am again, with all the lives I have lived. Here I am again, realizing that I have lost nothing of me and though lives have changed and forgotten and lost and fought for it is time FAR past time to find the all of me inside of me again and crucify the thought that I had lost anything and BELIEVE in me once again.
I never stopped believing in you.
SO… here I am again. I know you have your doubts, I know why. I’ve said this before, and truly believed in here I am again before… but things have changed and I will not accept me as anyone who has lost anything anymore. Time doesn’t exist, I have not grown up, not grown older, nothing inside of me has died… it has only been lying dormant. Waiting.
There is no waiting anymore.
Perhaps I was looking for inspiration, perhaps searching for a reason. I had come so close to dying that even this hollow life almost seemed like a triumph. Almost… but it took a lot to rationalize that I was fine, and it took a lot of cheating myself, lying, hobbling on the crutch that is my most recent past. I lived, I found my Birth Mother… but what happens to a person when every single dream that they dared have is reached? Where does one go from there?
Suddenly and in all the beauty of it I was lost, without even a direction to point myself in. A full tank of gas and no bearing, no course. I had found the one single thing I fought so hard to find. I had lived to find my Mother, nothing more… and now nothing was all I had.
I had everything I had always wanted, and trust me when I tell you – there is nothing worse when every single fucking dream, every single action, every moment of thought was based in telling her all that her little boy has done, the lives he has changed, how he has grown… my life was constructed by me, every single thing I did was for one day telling her all that I had done, hoping to see approval, pride, love in her eyes. She didn’t make a mistake. I need to let her know…
And that is where my life ended. There was nothing more to build it on – no passion, no drive, no ambition.
I was left to only my head and the thoughts that swim si scattered in it… who was I? Who am I NOW?
I am fucking everything I have been through, everyone I have met. I am all the wonder, all the dreams, all the pain inside, and though I lived my life in hopes of her, I claim my life fucking BACK. Right now, right here, in front of all of you…
I have learned what it means to live for another, and how fucking stupid that is. Don’t get me wrong – I love my Mother, and she is fucking incredible. She kept me dreaming, kept me reaching, and without question gave me the reason I needed to stay alive.
It’s MY turn now.
new direction. New dreams. New roads opening up in front of me…
and someone who I had stopped believing existed entering my life, breaking down my walls with her smile and laughter, inspiring me to remember all that I am.
She started reading my words from the beginning – going day by day, month by month, year by… it is because of her that I read who I was then, and when I looked inside – knew that I still am that person, but more.
Until very soon.