Winning Against All Odds (Book Teaser Part TWO)

The emotional scope of writing this story is becoming frighteningly clear. Every day I go further into the notes, into me, and bring back in unsettling clarity the disquieting details of nearly each moment written about I recall how much more there was going on inside of me than merely the words written in my blog posts.

I was profoundly, overwhelmingly terrified, but couldn’t let anyone know.

In my posts, I only skimmed over what was actually happening in my head and heart, making it palatable to the reader, trying to be as cheerful and upbeat as possible. I couldn’t afford people reading what I wrote and worrying, posting replies that were alarmed or anxious. I couldn’t have the slightest bit of uncertainty, worry or unintentional doubt to cast a shadow over the flickering light inside my heart that I was struggling so hard to keep lit.

Holding onto that light, that small glimmer of belief that I could live through this was the greatest challenge I had ever faced.

Through all the pain, through feeling and watching my body fall apart and rot in front of my eyes every day, the putrid stench of my own flesh decaying, the skin on my legs swollen & splitting, belly grotesquely distended with the waste my organs could no longer process… it seemed futile to even hope in the smallest chance that I would live – but it couldn’t be over, not yet. I still needed to find her. To find my mother. To thank her…

 

The first six months were the most fragile.
These were the most uncertain. From the moment I woke nearly every morning to the time I was able to sleep, there was a constant battle going on inside of me to not only believe that I could live, but questioning whether I wanted to.  It would have been so much easier to give up, let nature take its course, and quietly fade from this life. I mean hells – I had stashed away enough morphine to easily dream myself dead if the pain became too much or the process too slow to endure anymore.

Certainly, no one could have blamed me. I was tired, drained, shattered, and barely holding onto life most days anyway. No one would have asked why I was finally letting death take me… most of them expected it.

Beyond the smiles that the doctors and nurses had learned to wear, behind the caring and upbeat tone in their voices that they kindly tried so hard for, I knew that they were only waiting, making me as comfortable as they could until, like most everyone else at the hospice, I just gave up and let myself die…

I was broken… but I was not yet destroyed.

I can be a tenacious bastard. A really stubborn pain in the ass, when I need to be – and I figured that if there ever was a time that I needed to be, this sure as hell was it! I decided not to give them the satisfaction of being right –after all, it was a pretty high-stakes game, at least on my side, and so… I chose to look at it like that. Like this life ultimately is. Nothing more than an exquisite game, a game that is played, lost or won depending solely on however you choose to play it…

Hells, I was dying anyway, what’s there to lose? Let’s PLAY!

The Western doctors had done all they knew how to do, so now it was my turn. I took risks. Stopped taking their ineffective drugs and started reading & doing my own research into all kinds of alternative healing, from the completely wacky (and there’s some really bizarre ideas out there) to the more conventional. I mean hells – at that point, what’s the worst that could happen?

I remembered lessons from some of the more difficult times I had been through in the past. Perhaps the most significant lesson was that I had come to know – not just “believe”, but KNOW – that regardless of how far you fall, there is always a way back up. You are never given any challenge that you don’t have the strength and resilience to not only get through, but eventually come out on top of. Regardless of how high the odds seem to be stacked against you, you can beat them. You always have the strength inside of you to kick some ass.

I just needed a reason to keep fighting, and a damned good one. Something big, something I could believe in with all of my heart.

Getting the hell out of there & finally finding my Birth Mother – now that was a pretty damn good reason to work with as the main goal to live, but there were others that could have been just as powerful if I decided that they were – the stories I have to tell, the people I might be able to help, the love left inside of me to give… so many things I had learned that still needed to be shared with others.. I had to live.

I made an oath to myself & others.
Hell – some of the people who read my blog during that time all but demanded that, If I did live, I would write a book about all I learned. It could likely even help people. Hundreds of people. Thousands.
A MEEEELION PEOPLE! Bwaaahahahaaaaa!!!
The cool thing is that the lessons I learned easily transcend the hospital or the reason I was in it, and if I wrote a book it could connect with nearly everyone.

So I am writing a book. The time has come. My story is being told.
It will not be an easy story to voice; I’m not looking forward to going back there to say what needs to be said – but I didn’t go through the hell I did to selfishly keep this story locked inside.

It can help people, & it needs to be told.
I have not only survived, but I am living. I am thriving, and continuing to chase down my dreams.

By the way – I have found my Birth Mother, and she’s awesome. We’re getting to know each other, and I’ve even been able to see her a few times.

I also, just a month ago at the end of September, found and contacted my Birth Father who had no idea I even existed – and he’s excited to get to know me.

And I’m writing an awesome book. About an absolutely incredible life.

About The Book
(And A Super-Limited Pre Launch Supporter Reward Package!)

It’s an unapologetic, pull-no-punches, authentic, inspiring and even sometimes laugh-out-loud story about transformation, personal growth, trusting in yourself, doing what you believe is right and fighting like hell to live the amazing life you deserve…

Though the specific journey written about in this story is solely mine, there is something in it for absolutely everyone who has ever faced – or ever will face a difficult challenge.

In order to have it published and promoted, in order for it to get out there and be able to help people, I will need your help. It simply will not be able to exist without you.

I am anxious and friggin’ THRILLED to finally get this going, so while I prepare the Kickstarter Campaign which won’t be ready for about a month, I am offering Limited Edition Rewards for a short time during the one & only:

KICK-ASS EARLY BIRD PRE-STARTER REWARD SPECIAL!

The details are coming later today, so keep watch!

This Pre-Launch special will help me fund some key things that will help get the book finished and published as soon as possible, but because of the extra special rewards that ONLY the pre-launch supporters of the book will receive, IT WILL BE LIMITED

 

Teaser (My Story is *Coming!*)

STAY TUNED!

Something HUGE is happening later today with the (yet untitled) book I am writing, and YOU can be in on it!

 

An incredibly heart-wrenching, surprising, and even at times laugh-out-loud story about friendship, family, the value of dreams – and finding the courage and will to fight back from death’s door. To not only survive, but live – and find the courage inside yourself to make your dreams into reality.

It’s an unapologetic, pull-no-punches, honest, moving and inspiring story about transformation, personal growth, trusting in yourself, doing what you believe is right and fighting like hell to live the amazing life you deserve…

Though the specific journey written about in this story is solely mine, there is something in it for absolutely everyone who has ever faced – or ever will face a difficult challenge.

 

kSea writes with passion, precision, and a keen eye for the striking image. He has also, in the many years I’ve known him, shown remarkable tenacity and focus on the projects he’s taken on.
~ Lisa Dostrova Public Engagement Manager at Ragged Wing Ensemble

 

kSea is an excellent writer with a spectacular use of words and images to convey meaning, depth and compelling story telling. He has much to share as a writer.
Georgia Jean, Owner of Circle Evolution. Actor

 

Ksea is an exceptional writer, and has the ability to transport you to other places. While reading his stories, I have forgotten where I am. That’s what a good writer does.
~ Brady Spindel – Psychotic, stilt-walking, firebreathing zombie-clown… at Cirque Berzerk

 

“kSea flux is a living embodiment of artistic spirit. He throws himself completely into his work and fears nothing but the chance to gain access to new and more bizarre talents.”
~ Amanda Palmer, singer & songwriter, TED talker, ‘The Dresden Dolls’ www.dresdendolls.com

 

kSea is what happens when you decide to live your dreams. His unstoppable passion to live is breathtaking. I consider myself lucky to have shared the stage with such a passionate and beautiful soul. Every single rare second i spend with him is something I cherish.
~ Wenzdai Atom-Morgan – Photographer

 

“kSea walks the walk, talks the talk, and is more amazing in ten seconds than most people are in a lifetime.”

~ Clara LaFrance – co-performer, arial dancer and instructor. Boston, MA / Oakland, CA

 

Besides being a person of excellent character and a terrific performer, kSea is one of the few people who I know who has consistently provided a platform for the myriad of performers and communities who navigate the subtext of our culture and civilization.

Through his insights and connections to these iconoclasts and rule breakers, kSea demonstrates ways of being and expressing oneself that provides the rest of us with beacons to a more colorful reality filled with possibility, meaning and hope.
Craig Morse, Photographer – Musicians at Culture:Subculture Photography

 

I’m writing on behalf of an extraordinary person that I am lucky to know in my life time, kSea.

I am a artist in the Bay Area and have worked with Ksea in many large scale areas, bring smiles to many people’s faces and assisting with helping individuals imaginations soar above and beyond every reality. Although we are around some of the most amazing performers in the bay, Ksea has a special light that has always charmed me in a unique manner. As a writer, I am one that hears words from others and I am able to distinguish where someone may truly be coming from with their choice of magic. When conversing with Ksea, I always find myself stopped in my tracks to hear his outpouring of love and compassion with all and everyone that passes. We all have our good and sad parts, yet it always seems when conversing with Ksea that the good parts always shine through. It is actually very inspiring and has helped me on many occasion to see past whatever challenge I may be faced with, and to keep believing that whatever comes our way, we can make it with love and compassion in our hearts as long as we stay positive and never give up. To whomever reads this, may you find yourself as lucky as I to have such a wonderful person as Ksea in your life.

~Keno Mapp. musician, performer, publisher.

wordflood (aka writer’s clog)

A losing battle last night with a blank screen, the blinking cursor taunting, mocking, laughing at me as it remained in one place. On. Off. On. Off. On… waiting to travel across the page, hoping that

Over the years I’ve found that it’s never for lack of words that keeps me from beginning to write…

It’s because there are far too many of them inside of my mind and heart, and while I know the only way to string them together to make any sense is to write them out – sometimes even that filter desperately needs to be cleaned…

But of course the only way to DO that is to write.

(((sigh)))

terror

“Do one thing every day that terrifies you.”

This is a Mantra, my Mantra, that I need to remember… because honestly – I am terrified.

This book will not be easy to write, but it needs to be. Each day I remember more of the pain, the failure I wanted to be, the desire for death.

I had it constructed, a handful of morphine that I had, through the pain of not taking it, saved – stashed away, for that one quiet moment when it all was forgotten…

 

But there was something I needed to do. Something I need to do.

SO many I just might help.

 

So I live, and find the beauty and the terror in every moment…
and wonder if they are, finally, the same.

digging up the bones

The book is coming together. I have a rough outline done, have figured out a way to have all the things that need to be said brought into it by bouncing around in time, and as a result it even will be spending some time with my The Dresden Dolls & what I learned from working with them.

With all that needs to be said, it won’t be an easy book to write – I know that, I expect it. In order for it to be written, in order for it to have a chance to *help* people, I will need to bring back the very worst time in my life – not just in words, but in all of me.

I will need to go back there, to magnify the passions and pain that inspired it – and then, when it is finally finished, I will be able to give them a proper burial so that I can move to another place.

It’s not going to be easy.
It needs to be done.

neat enough

It’s neat enough
clean enough, this precision at which I can remove myself
remove another
and make me not want
what I cannot have.

It is what I have been taught to do from my first breaths in this life.

The tragedy lies
where there might still be a possibility
where there might still be hope
but, as trained
my heart has already gone dark
and there is no more light to show you
the beauty it holds
and in my lie
I long for you

in silence and
sorrow
for what could have been