With the pedals come…

First, the amazing news:
Be HEALED! *ThWaP!!*
Some of you are aware that I started on the new, absolutely incredible treatment that *cures* Hep-C completely. Yeah, CURES. Like… it’s completely gone. No more constant fear of infecting anyone else by them using *anything* of mine that might have a microscopic drop of blood on it from a few weeks ago, and no worry of going even *further* downhill due to more damage.
That, of course, if IF it works – if it takes to the body, and does its job. There is always the possibility that it won’t…
Well, I went to the hospital Tuesday to pick up mythird 2 week supply of pills, and they had the bloodwork from the previous week done.
So… is it working, Doc? Are we getting the results we want?

DIG IT: In two short weeks, I went from 258,641 copies of the Hep-C virus per ml – to 13. THIRTEEN. Not thousand, not even hundred. 13 like you could count on your fingers, eyes & nose.
I’m getting CURED, after nearly 28 years of the virus slowly killing me – it will sooon be gone! C’mon, give me a HELLS YES! Open up your lungs and *scream* in celebration for the shit that’s actually working – let me HEAR ya!

But with the fantastic news, there is still the chewy center of fear. It happens when I let my guard down, when the strength wanes, when I relax for just a minute and my thoughts are allowed to wander.
It’s in these moments when I feel weak; like I have let myself down by letting myself feel, and what I feel in these moments is fear. Terror.
Failure for not being able to currently take care of myself, and letting this happen. Letting the virus take over because I feel as I have already asked for so much, been given so incredibly much by those who have been walking down this path with me…

This is how it began last time. The fluid leaking out of my body, draining, making me slip on the floor in my own juices… but this time I know so much more. I know how to keep the flesh from splitting, know how to make the symptoms and the pain of the swelling go away. I have the KNOWLEDGE to fix it this time…

I just don’t have the money for what I need, and without the herbs it very quickly gets worse.
So I have little choice. I hang my head again, and ask for help. Again.
I cannot do this alone. This is something that I need you to stay with me in – the financial help to get the herbs that I need to avoid returning to the hell you helped me fight my way out of four years ago.

So I’m asking. Pleading. The herbs I take DO help – I just need to stay on them until I’m able to get this back down to where it was – just te management.

So please, help if you are able. My paypal address is ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com – and I NEED your help. I’ve already waited much longer than I should have to ask.

ALso, please feel free to share this anywhere.

I still have some very important things I need to do – besides focus on not ending up in the hospital for months (or worse) again.

Thank you. I love you.

~ Casey

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THe Mind is a Dangerous Thing…

I left a message for my Father on Sunday – the first Father’s Day since we first spoke in either of our lives.

Since a few weekends ago when we first met, I haven’t heard from him. I sent a couple emails but received nothing back… and I had begun to assume that maybe he just wasn’t ready – or willing – to have a new son, a complete stranger, enter his world & life.
He already has a family.

Dutts (Dad) & me, 1st photo EVER!

Only a deafening silence from him since the message I left on Father’s Day, each day that passed, each hour, adding to the idea that maybe just the onemeeting was enough – that somehow I didn’t stand up to what he was expecting or hoping for, and wondering what if I did that differently, said or didn’t say that? How could I have been better for him? Did I not make him proud, or even interested?

What did I do wrong, or… what is wrong with me this time? Even the ones who paid for me don’t seem to want me in their lives, but that I am fine with.

I had just hoped for a new start, a new beginning with someone whose life wasn’t mutually torn apart in past actions… I was just hoping.
Still, at least I had a chance to meet him, to like him, to see where I came from – and am truly blessed to have found a Mother that truly seems overjoyed to see me in the rare times I can make it to her house – and I don’t have words to express how grateful I am for that, for her.

Besides, I can’t expect him to just open up and welcome a 46 year old son into his life out of the sky.

I left a message for my Father on Sunday. This afternoon I received an email from him, asking if I’m doing okay and wanting me to let him know if I end up in the hospital again – and again asking about my book & campaign.

This was also the first email he has signed “Love…”

Gods, the places my head goes sometimes…

Stolen Days

To live each day as if it has been stolen from death, to feel the joy of life in everything I do.
To separate myself from the burdens of the past, but remember them – as lessons, as triumphs… but never allowing the past to be cause for any of today’s excuses why I can’t, never allowing the ghosts to haunt me.

This is where I have come from, and it has made me who I am – but who I am is not ruled or controlled by what has happened. It has happened. It will never affect what is happening *now*.

We need to release ourselves from the angst, the anguish, the worry that we let control our lives every day. Lighten the fuck up, shed the weight from our hearts & off of our backs, and with that weight gone we will finally be able to straighten our bodies, take our eyes from the ground and look up – see the clouds, the moon, the stars… feel the sun (or *hopefully* rain someday) on our faces, and know that we are alive, that there are no limits, no rules, nothing stopping us – except ourselves.

Yeah, that’s a large part of what my book is going to be about… because I’m fucking sick of all the whining I hear and therefore… am going to do my best to change it.

These are stills from a video taken just under five years ago – September 13, 2010. I haven[t watched it since it was taped.
Hair falling our, flesh falling off…
…it’s pretty amazing what can be accomplished when we truly *know* how strong we are – even when we had no idea before.

The Universe *never* gives us anything that we can’t handle. It just depends on how we choose to handle it.

Sept. 13, 2010

Nov. 23, 2013