Connection / being seen

I was 13 when I first put pen to paper, and realized not only the fun – but the magick, and most importantly, in my joyless teenage years, the therapy it offered. The therapy I desperately needed.

You see – I was the most insecure, terrified and nearly silent kid – but when, one night, a pen found its way into my hand… my entire world changed. I had finally found something that would listen, and unlike talking to people, I felt that, at last, I wasn’t being judged. The paper would just sit there and accept all I had to say – and the more I wrote, the more it listened. It was the only friend I could talk to about all the confusion, angst, and above all, the loneliness & solitude I felt growing up.

The writing began almost entirely by accident. I had just discovered coffee, and one evening stayed up all night in the tiny kitchen in my parent’s home, writing & drawing in some sketchbooks I had laying around for some reason. Eventually I got together a few dollars, and after school one day went to Warwick’s – the main stationery/office supply/book store in La Jolla, and bought my very first actual journal. You probably know exactly what that journal looked like – the classic black, pebbled hardcover, 5.5”x8.5” blank book. Though everything before it has been lost or thrown away by my adopted parents, I still have that very first journal – though now have 10 others just like it, full of my heart, mind, and guts. My friends.

When internet journaling came around, it took me a while to warm up to it, but eventually I did. All of the sudden, people could actually read what I was writing… and when comments began occasionally coming in, and people were saying nice things about my writing, or connecting with it, or, sometimes, even thanking me for saying what they felt – all of the sudden I wasn’t alone anymore. With each post, with each comment that someone left, a little more fur was rubbed off – like the skin horse in The Velveteen Rabbit. People could SEE me, and sometimes in me, they saw themselves – and perhaps for the first time, I felt real. Maybe they did as well.

After a lifetime of feeling inadequate and like my life didn’t matter, I had found a way I could give something back to the world. A way I could connect with people, regardless of where they were, and not feel so alone. A way I could help… and maybe, just maybe – change someone’s life for the better.

As time went on however, people’s attention spans kept getting shorter & shorter. Less people read my words, less people commented, and the loneliness began creeping back. I started writing less, but – I just couldn’t find the words, or the passion I once had to write them. That was a HUGE mistake, as I had forgotten the reason I began writing, which is solely for me. Because I need to. Because the “paper” is still the best way to keep learning about my Self…

But there is one thing I would really like to do – something I’ve been thinking about for a few days. I write all this drivel, and except for perhaps a few, I don’t know most of you who reads it. I don’t know about you, I don’t know who you are, I don’t know about your country, what you like to eat, what your favorite song is – or pretty much anything about you – and I would really, really like to.

So I ask this of you. Tell me a little (or a lot) about yourself! Anything you want. Anything you don’t mind sharing, and as much or little of it as you want to. Just, at least, to start a conversation. There are no rules. Ask questions, send pictures, say anything you feel and know that I will not only appreciate it – I will absolutely LOVE it! Hell, even share this with friends of yours – let’s get people talking & connecting!
Of course, you are welcome to play along or remain silent – that’s entirely your choice – but I do hope you say something – and I promise – I will reply.

Much love, and thank you for reading.

P.S. – if you see this post on Facebook or Twitter, please let me know – but comment here!
AND, if you read this *here* and want to connect with me on facebook or twitter, I’m kSea flux on Facebook, and @kSea_flux on Twitter. Hope to see you there!

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4 responses to “Connection / being seen

  1. Hi! I have Hep C and reading your blog is really helping me. Thank you for putting yourself out there. I’m glad to hear the new treatment works. I can’t wait to start myself. So really no side effects, eh?

    • Virtually NONE! I know – I was amazed myself, and made my doctors swear up & down, as I’ve been through the hells of interferon – and man, I couldn’t decide if I waned to kill myself or everyone else on that stuff.

      The most I noticed was a bit less energy, but I’m not certain if that was just par for the Hep-C course or because of the meds. 😉

      So – you’re going to be able to start the treatment? If so, that friggin’ ROCKS! Congratulations!
      Please let me know how things are going – or if you ever need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to contact me. With the work on the book & the Kickstarter for it, I’m not posting as much as I would like to, but you can reach me at ksea (at) culturefluxmagazine (dot) com, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m able.

      My best to you, and keep kicking ass!

      ~ Casey

  2. It’s so crazy to me that there is really a treatment that’s working. After years of thinking I had a death sentence…. I had a recent job change that has put my insurance on hold but as soon as I get it back I’ll be starting the process. I’ll keep in contact and let you know how it’s going. Thank you and I can’t wait to read your book! I’m proud of you from afar!

    Carrie

  3. Thank you – and I feel the *EXACT* same way! It seems like a dream – an actual CURE???!!

    Yes… and I’m here to tell you that it’s *not* a dream – and that it actually works!
    Working with various herbs & mind/body healing now to help reverse the cirrhosis, but it’s difficult to tell if it’s working – so I’ll just pay attention to the symptoms that it’s created (edema, ascites, etc.) and hope that they can tell me something!

    I look forward to hearing about *your* progress – and Carrie – take care!

    Warmly,
    ~ Casey

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