Enough is Enough/The Scourge

(PLEASE take a minute & read to the end to realize how far we’ve come. Thank you! ~ C)

I would much rather be talking about something like my book sales (soon!), amount of people the book has helped, or Bernie’s lead in the polls when I say “It just keeps getting bigger!” – and I have little doubt that soon I will be able to say it about those things, but unfortunately in this case, I’m not. I’m talking about something so revolting, so unnecessary, and something that could either continue to be the scourge of my existence, haunting my every moment with it’s curse & making every possible romantic interest run away screaming in revulsion – or simply be fixed in a couple hours, letting me live the life I (we) have fought so hard for over the past years.

Yeah, I’m talking about my godsdamned umbilical hernia. It grows. It laughs at me. Even the old beat up truss I use can’t contain it anymore. (It keeps slipping down.)

It now has a new addition – a permanent “band aid”. Due to the constant chafing on my shirt, regardless of how tight I make the truss each morning, I have an open wound the size of a dime that simply refuses to heal… but there MAY be good news, just around the corner.

In 6 days, I FINALLY go in for a surgery consultation, and this is the point where they decide if they will perform the surgery necessary to make everything right again.

It’s absurd how (I’ve let) something as dumb as this has taken so much control over my enjoyment of life.

There are a few reasons that they wouldn’t agree to perform the surgery as far as I know, which are too much fluid in my abdomen, platelets so low that they would be afraid that I’ll never stop bleeding until the pump shuts down, or they’re curious to see what it looks like when a person’s guts come popping out of his belly like one of those “party popper” things with the streamers that we shoot in people’s hair.
I’m pretty sure we can cancel out the later though, as hell – this is SFGH, and I’m SURE they’ve seen their fair share of guts not neatly tucked into the body where they belong.

In order to have the best chance of not having either of the other two make them deny my surgery however (brief pause for AWWWwww! Ruby’s having a tail-wagging dream right now!)

Anyway, as I was saying, in order to have the best chance of getting my intestines back where they belong so I don’t have to deal with the daily physical pain & all the other stuff – I need your help. Again.

I’ve been taking over twice the dose of the herbs that will help (due to my poorly functioning liver & mal-absorption of everything, it’s necessary) and ran out, just a couple days ago. Already, the fluid is building up, my abdomen & legs are beginning to swell, and the pain and pressure builds.

As I’m sure you can imagine, even if you’re on of the few who haven’t been there, it’s horribly demeaning to still have to ask for help. Through most of my life, as broke as I’ve been, I’ve almost always – ALWAYS found a way to make it work out, save for a few past emergencies. Even though each time I feel like I take every bit of my dignity & throw it out the window – I have no choice other than to plead for you to help me in this fight again.

My paypal addy is ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com

The good news is that we ARE winning! There are quite a number of herbs that I’ve been able to cut down on or quit altogether, and the physical difference in me from just a couple of months ago is incredible. I have more energy, can put my shoes & socks on without needing to contort myself in strange ways just to reach my feet, and no more pools of blood or fluid from scratching off the tiniest scab. You ARE making a HUGE difference in my life, and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

So please, if you can, I need your financial support to get rid of this damned hernia! We’re getting so incredibly close to what you’ve all been helping me reach for – let’s keep on making this dream come true – and THANK YOU!

That address once again – ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com

Love love love,

~ Casey

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Release

It’s been a minute, hasn’t it?
It’s fair to say that I’ve been busy, and I have – but that certainly isn’t a valid excuse to stay so long away from words. Not these words. These are the words I need – the ones that make things almost right enough inside of my head.
Almost.

Ironically, the main thing that has been keeping me away from journaling is preparations for my book: The intricacies of the launch for the Kickstarter campaign, the endless editing of copy for my author website, and, of course, the creation of it. It puts an interesting twist on it when I have little idea what I’m doing, and each new day is an attempt to get it to something relatively simple looking, very usable, and as close to exactly how I want it to be as I can get it… especially when exactly how I want it changes, just a little bit, every few days.
The end product will be worth it however. I keep working – and I keep fixing the things I fuck up along the way.
Soon though, it will be done. It needs to be. I have other things to do.

But… those aren’t the only things that have been happening.

I met someone. A woman. A very interesting woman – who seems to be quite interested in me as well.
There is definitely a mutual attraction & without question, there is desire – both physical & intellectual. Funny how things happen when I least expect them, when I’ve become so weary of even hoping anymore. When I’ve lost any faith I may have had in the “community” that surrounds me, when even something as simple as having coffee with a friend is nearly impossible. When the majority of them can’t even find the decency to respond to a message or email. It’s sometimes difficult not to take personally. I try not to. I don’t succeed.
We call each other “family”, and unfortunately, it seems as if that’s what we’ve become – all too similar to the family that bought & raised me as a child, who were so very seldom there when I needed them most.
Thankfully, there is a small spattering of decent friends in there as well – but the only time I see them is if we accidentally end up at the same event.
I guess it’s little surprise then that the woman I have found myself so attracted to lives in Sweden, 5,400 miles away, and I feel closer to her than most anyone else who lives within 20 miles & I’ve known for years.

She doesn’t need to think I’m sick or dying to simply check in & say hello. There’s a 9 hour time difference and we’re both almost constantly working, yet still, somehow, we find the time to have good conversations.

Imagine that.

You can please shove *your* excuses up your ass.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten *that* out of my system (which actually was intended to be much more positive & somewhat amusing until the vitriol inside of me took hold), on to a positive closing for this entry…

After a ridiculous amount of time and frustration spent on it, trying with no success to do it alone – the video for the Kickstarter was finally PROFESSIONALLY filmed yesterday! Three locations, fantastic footage, my Dr.s calling me “magical’ and saying other amazing things that made me feel wonderfully uncomfortable, and within 2-3 weeks, I’ll have an incredible, professionally filmed & edited video for the campaign to finish writing, edit, design, publish & promote my book!

Things are moving forward. It is, at long last, finally *happening*, and I am fucking elated!
Now, to get back to work on the website – after a good walk with Rubes to see what the outside world is like today…

Thankfully, the one inside my head is quite a bit easier to work with now that I’ve been able to get everything above out of it.
The bitterness, especially, was taking up FAR too much energy & space… and I’ll likely come back to writing about the beauty & challenges that she & I face on a later date.

Soon.

Until again, dear readers.
Like if you liked, comment if you desire.
Share if you’re feeling a little bit sadistic.

Love without the sugar coating,
~ Casey (kSea, Kasei, QueSi, etc…)