Who am I to be hurt by that, by this? Now, it should be the past – the man I considered my best friend and the woman who slathered love in spades, in words and support to help me get what I needed then, now…

But when the time came where I could have not needed, when a single dollar could have made the difference not for the campaign but in me – that crushed me. I see, I remember, I act accordingly.

Being who I am, nothing hidden, no lies, more truth than most can handle, I confronted her with it. Why nothing? Why no words of support? Why, now, do you abandon me?

Perhaps I am foolish. They were both there to keep me alive, but when I asked, pleaded, begged for a small amount to change my life so I did not need them? The one thing that would have changed my world?

Do they need to be needed? Do they need me to need them? They gave when my life was in question, but when one thing could have changed that, where there was a way for me to break free of the agony of asking…

It’s difficult to simply see that they don’t believe in me. Thinking back to what she has said and it makes sense. Too many words, too much honesty.

This is the world we live in now. It pains me. It hurts. No time? FUCK YOU.

I go on, I continue, I remember, She thinks that what she gave me so that I could live was enough – but she is wrong. I would have had understanding in one dollar for the campaign I created for my book, the single reason I fought to live..

To live, to create – two very separate things.

Don’t you fucking understand that is WHY I asked for money to buy the medicines I couldn’t afford so That I might live long enough to write this book that could change so many lives? Don’t you understand, as I wrote it over and over that that was what I am living for?

Somewhere in there I am not understanding why B or A were silent… Somewhere in there I am wrong. Somewhere in there, I know that I can’t believe in those I put the most trust in.

It’s a horrible lesson to learn.

Bob, Amy – you kept me alive, yes – and believe me please, I am eternally grateful. But when the time came to help me live, to create a life where I didn’t need to depend on anyone, you were not there. Not one single word or dollar.

All I needed was support from you. Nothing else. NOTHING.

I think that it’s foolish to carry this inside of me. I erase it, I erase what I had hoped for, and I go on.

I have better things to do besides think about this – and though I know neither of you will read it, I find my own peace. I MAKE my own peace.

And so ends my slightly intoxicated rant.


One response to “Rant.

  1. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think you nailed it: these two folks like being Angels and saving lost souls. When you make a move to stand on your feet, you’ve changed, moved the goal posts. whoa, he wasn’t supposed to recover! And then they wait, let you fall, so they can come in and pick you up again…this is learned behavior, and probably unconscious. Don’t expect them to cop to it. They are too weak. Find strong people to support your dreams. That should be the lesson learned.

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