Know this.

I stare at this blank page and wonder what will come out of my heart tonight. I don’t write for want, don’t write because I like to. I write because I need to – and sometimes I like it.

Gathering all the deep-seeded memories from who I used to be I find that man a good one. Looking at myself right now I don’t know if I am anymore.
People come back from war changed. Distant. Different. I had my own battle, and it changed me as much as I try to deny it didn’t. It’s  obvious. I accept it. I detest it and the life it has taken out of me.

Strange, how hard I fought to live to have this- but I never imagined it would be this – like  would be this. This person I don’t recognize, this personwho wears a false smile… this person. Disassociated & dissatisfied.

We all fight our wars. Some get through them. I just barely made it.

The society I love is teaching me how to hate myself. White male, straight (mostly) and as a result, detested. I would rather not have to add this on to all I am going through, all I have. Still, I feel like I am wrong for being who I am. Not female, not a different color. As much as I will do everything in my power to protect them… THEM?
As much as I will do everything in my power to stand up for those that I love, those that I love have made me feel like my gender and the color of my skin are hated.

I am hated because of what I appear as. And it feels like the people I love are just like “them”.

I’ve lived most of my life feeling alone, but I have never felt so alone as this…

but even if I feel alone, I will make certain that those that I love – the men or women holding hands walking down the street, the “not white” person who feels threatened – know this.

KNOW THIS. I will give my life for you, if that what it comes to. I promise you that.

I will give my life for you.

I think that is what I needed to say… just – if that happens, please get my book out. It will help others.

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