old and bitter

5:13 in the morning and finally I have stepped away from my desk, making chainmaille and on a whim more listening to than watching “The jerk”. At this time, whatever time it falls on I usually just take Rubes out to pee, change from my jeans into worn and comfortable pajamas and snuggle up to sleep, but tonight I change things around, no particular reason with the exception that I always feel better after I write, and I haven’t been feeling so hot in my heart or soul.

It’s been hitting me hard how few friends I can count or count on in the many people I know. Though many have offered kind words or money when I needed it, I have no one that I feel is my own.

Is this the world I have created fro myself? I have no argument that it isn’t, but for months a little over a year ago I contacted people I have known, people I wanted to know better, and only an occasional coffee and time were offfered, more of a single shot than something that I felt I could follow – and I feel if they wanted to, they would.

Something needs to change, but I don’t know how or what. I am writing now about earlier times and in those times I had lunch with a friend, received a beautiful email from another, and had dinner with others. As it sits, I’ve only seen one person for more than five minutes in over a month, maybe two – and I wonder what is wrong with me… but I know where the distrust comes from.
This life has already been to long, I’m thinking.

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