Fear. When it comes down to it, that’s what’s holding me back. What always has.
My best guess is that it began with my adopted dad. I would come to him with the dreams and plans of a child, excited, unstoppable, the future full of magic & beauty & testing myself & building a dream to make it real, and he would be the boss instead of the father, asking how this would happen, how that, what if & all the things that I needed to not think about. How it was going to happen wasn’t my concern, I just new it was, and that I would build it.
And each time I walked away from him, from his “help”, I walked away knowing that it was impossible – whether it was or wasn’t. As a child, those are the things I was supposed to find out for myself, and if I could, work around them – but the final result was that I never even tried. He told me, and I knew – I would fail before I even started.
Which is what I’m fighting now, again. Over-preparing, making certain that everything is perfect, spending all my time on finding the answers to the questions that 7 years ago & made certain that he could never ask again, but cutting my entire adopted family out of my life. Of course, there were many other reasons as well besides that, and the final one was that, though they were in town frequently, they never visited me in the hospice. At this point, I don’t even know if they know I lived…
This isn’t about them, though. At least it’s not supposed to be. This is about me getting my shit together, realizing that I’m still terrified of failure but moving forward anyway. Knowing that things will likely never be perfect, and that I need to take what I’ve already prepared (after I do a few more things that need to be done) and getting out there, finding wholesalers for my jewelry business. It’s the only way that I can see that it will grow into what I want it to be – though I have little doubt that the ‘Verse will throw some things my way as well – it always does.
I just need to get out there, to stop preparing. To stop trying to answer the questions he would have asked before he does, and live my life the way I have always dreamed it being.
These scratches come as a result of a new book I’m reading that makes a LOT of sense to me – Mini Habits, by Steven Guise. The basic premise is just to set the goal for something tiny every day, something easily accomplished so it isn’t intimidating – and you’ll (I’ll) actually do it – such as setting a goal for writing 50 words a day, and doing one push-up. While you’ll usually do more, just knowing that you can reach your goal with so much ease will help you do it every. single. day.,, and therefore help raise your self-confidence – as well as secure the habit in your routine.
Of course, he describes it better, but that’s the general idea. Little tiny steps. So, that’s what I’m doing, and that’s why you’re likely going to see a bunch of crap in this blog for quite some time… but who knows? It may just turn into my book once I’ve found the words again.