Over six months.
Over six months I’ve been in here, watching life from afar – my life, our life, the life I once had that so magnificently, rightfully, justifiably exhausts me and fills me with the energy of love as I see so many beautiful people, the people I am so blessed to call my friends and acquaintances as I walk into and around an event, as I fall in love with such beauty over and over and over again, completely awestruck by the talent, the dreams that are realized through so much effort, the way that they shine so brilliantly…
and gods, just things as simple as seeing someone’s face light up, a reflection of mine, as we notice each other on the floor and say hello.
It’s impossible to portray in words how much I miss that…
So I fight like hell – not only to live, but to come home. To be a part of the life I love so much again, to feel alive instead of watching people die – people who have given up the fight, or simply don’t know how to. I’ve watched four people die since I’ve been in here, and I’m sure there will be more… this is not a place that I want to be, but it’s where I need to be right now – so I fight like hell, doing every small thing in my power to get healthy enough to leave. I know exactly what my goal is, and I’m going to reach it.
For the most part I’ve been feeling better, much better since I began taking control over my own healing, but still have the edema and ascites (leg & abdomen swelling due to (in my case) cirrhosis of the liver), carrying an extra forty pounds of fluid which needs to come off – and therein lies the challenge.
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It’s funny, in a tragic way.
The books I’m reading about real people who have cleared the Hep C Virus are like sitcoms where they keep complaining about how much money it takes, how much money they don’t have, yet they still manage to somehow come up with hundreds or sometimes thousands of dollars for this treatment, that miraculous remedy, that perfect supplement or other thing which under normal circumstances I would write off as pure quackery, but in doing countless hours of research am convinced enough that it actually works to try it – these aren’t normal circumstances. I desperately want to live, not just survive, watching life and the world go by in pain, too exhausted to do anything anymore. I count my pennies and do what I can, but…
I think of all of the people who purchase their books; full of hope, expectations, and optimism that perhaps they could have their lives and dreams back before everything took a turn for the worse and the world they knew fell apart – that maybe, just maybe, the constant fatigue, the pain, & all of the various symptoms that are created by Hep-C could truly be cured. They read voraciously about these people who actually cured themselves, anticipating getting started… then they get to the parts about how much all of it cost the people who did it, and again, just like the other books, with a heavy sigh put the book down, again with all of their hopes and dreams, and wait to die, because they can’t afford to live.
To be CURED. Healed completely of Hepatitis C, forever. Something that the majority of western medicine still refuses to acknowledge as possible, but the proof that it’s possible if you’re willing to fight for your life is everywhere, baby – in the books I buy, in the relentless & exhausting research I do on the internet, checking and double checking all of the things that say they can help me live again. Some, of course, I still write off as complete bullshit – others that I have glanced over before, however… well, considering the dire circumstances & the extra research I have done, I feel deserve a fighting chance – to add to my chance to stay alive.
To be Cured. To have the energy back to chase down & live out my dreams – with perhaps the most important and reachable dream I have ever had added to them all. In the time I’ve been here and the research I’ve done, I’ve decided that I need to write a book – a book about how I cured myself with barely any money, a book that won’t discourage the average person from their fight to live. It will be complete yet relatively short, simple, and most important, hopefully fun to read. Something that gives hope, fuels the fight to stay alive – and maybe, just maybe – saves lives. (The book I’m reading now is dry as all hell, and though filled with perhaps the best & most information out of any other book I’ve bought, a bitch to get through.)
On a subject about something that is the fastest growing epidemic these days, I don’t think getting it published will be difficult…
But the only way I can write it is to get results, to cure myself, and with the fees I’m paying here & my only income being a single disability check, I don’t have the money I need to actually do all of the things I need to do to see if they work or not. I run out of herbs I know that are working to be able to afford something new, I don’t have any choice but to sometimes go with the lowest price/quality of them, and though many people have been wonderful and helped here and there with money, the fight to be able to purchase what I need is ongoing – it won’t stop until, at the very least, I’m healthy enough to leave this place and not have to pay the fees (or pay for food twice, as the health of the food here is, for the most part, pathetic; a small example being Tang and fruit punch instead of actual juices, and most everything over-salted. I spend as much as possible simply for food that isn’t bad for me…
So here it comes. I need people’s help, on a steady basis – but only until I’m out of here, and I’m fighting like hell towards that goal. I need to be able to stay in the herbs & supplements that I know do help, and be able to have the financial ability to try different things such as regular liver & gallbladder cleanses, purchase better, more effective herbs, be able to try other things that look promising and hell, just something as simple as healthy food. Though what I am doing has helped since I decided to take my healing into my own mind and hands in January, it needs to be stepped up in order to get healthy enough to actually get my ass out of here – to fight this like hell, to fight it with everything I can, as the new book I’m reading described a condition that my symptoms match exactly called Portal Hypertension – and it progresses severely.
That means asking for help. Asking you for help, because you’re all that I have. I believe that only another $100 – $200/month on top of my average of $300 will do it – and hell, compared to the f*cked up costs of prescription drugs, I feel that’s a bargain to stay alive. (My HIV meds – a bottle of 30 tablets – costs over $1700/month by comparison).
So… if any of you can commit to helping regularly so I don’t have to keep asking – $20, $40, $50/month, to help this fight, preferably in the middle-ish of the month when the plethora of necessary “save kSea’s life” stuff begins to run out (I take more than the recommended dose with many, as that’s for healthy people) – I don’t think I need to say how much I would appreciate it.
If it means anything, you’ll get an “Extra Special Thanks” mention in my book…
Which I will write from the beautiful road while I simultaneously get my ass back to working on CultureFlux.
If you can help at all, or if you have helped, thank you so very much – you know how much it means to me – but in order for this to work I need steady assistance so I can keep up on all of what I need to fight this – and I need to fight like hell.
(Paypal addy kSea@culturefluxmagazine.com)