and I rejoice

The San Francisco heat wave, our yearly week of Summer, finally breaks & I quietly rejoice. I am not made for hot weather – or at least hot weather where there isn’t a clean ocean or river or lake or large puddle to go swimming or stomping in.

September is knocking on the door of October, and if I had to choose a favorite, I think October would be it. I remember the way some of the places I have lived changed their color, the reds & oranges & hints of stubborn green flooding the air & ground as if the world was on fire, sacrificing itself in some sacred way to become the stark, haunting & beautiful bare branches of Winter.

The energy of Change is in the air. It finds its way into my blood – and my memory.

Twelve years & four days ago I decided to follow my dreams, whatever they were & whatever it took. Shortly after I was working with The Dresden Dolls & my life changed forever.

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It was on this day that my beloved Bean was hit by a train in Austin & killed, a few hours and eleven years ago.

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Ten years less a week ago I received an email from Mike asking if I was interested in becoming a permanent part of the Vau De Vire family.

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Six years & eight days ago I first stepped into the hospice, walking in easily enough but rapidly dying one week later as my body began to shut down.

Five years & a month ago I did what the doctors thought impossible, and walked out alive.

Four years & a month ago I talked with my Birth Mother for the first time in my life.

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Nov. 23, 2013

Two years & a week ago I first spoke to my Birth Father, who until shortly before that had no idea I existed.

And now I feel the story of this man should – will – change again. I’ve already begun to kick a nine-year morphine addiction & plan to have that entirely behind me in less than a week… yet I feel that is far from enough. I want more. Monumental change. I thrive on the shit. It’s my lifeblood, my constant need. When life gets too comfortable, too predictable, I have a bad habit of stepping into a dangerous dance to bring back, to summon life’s music – and far too much is dangerous these days.

The dreams I still have, but the energy to reach for them is as scarred as my liver. I will keep moving forward, doing my best to rip through the barriers, the walls both inside & out. Both physical & mental.
The failed Kickstarter shook me. It hit hard and I fell.
It’s time to rise again. Dust myself off and move on.
I will keep moving forward.
I will live to make my dreams come true.

I see the sun shining outside, feel the sharp chill of the breeze that cuts through my window. Today will be cooler…

and I rejoice.

days of passion

The journey gets a bit more interesting. L.A. for a friends video, San Diego for the DD/NIN shows, then off to a stay in Boston/NY to milk what I can out of the couch surfing there and create some sort of reality in this dream, a strange unearthed vagabond with everywhere and nowhere to lay his head, no home save for that of the unknown around every next corner. It’s always the next corner, it’s always like the perfect thoughts in hiding that always come in the half asleep mind where all the tensions of the day are released and the dreams and ideas are the most vivid and we see where we could be if now was where we were able to live…

Locked for friends because it hasn’t been announced, this entry, locked because we’re shooting the DVD on June 5 in Boston, and locked because I feel like it. I’ll unlock it when I am able to. I’m excited about this. Those who have been true and beautiful will be able to be a part of it, and though I would have loved to have the S.F. show on the DVD this one will be honest and beautiful and full and perfect and pay the appropriate homage to all of those who have given so much to all we have become, WE the Dresden Dolls, we, me. A strange and beautiful excitement engulfs me as I feel again as there is so much to do and so much to figure out and so many people to contact and so many people I can’t because hell this is hush hush right now to help preserve and ease the madness but hell, that’s just somewhat rediculous ain’t it because it’s all madness and if it weren’t it wouldn’t be what I do because all I do has that metallic sugarry taste of desperation and if it weren;t there then why would I be doing this I would be doing it out of love I am but the obsession that it has become surpassing all others is what I have become and what I am and everything I have dreames of ever being. It’s the half asleep dreams that are so perfect, it’s the half asleep perfection that we all want our lives to be, when we’re laying there so comfortably and the pen and paper are a few feet away yet so far out of reach because if we interrrupt this it will go away and we swear that we’ll remember this but we never do – not in this clarity…

A bourbon rambling. A dream that is almost realized, a dream that before a few months ago was only that. A dream that fills me so completely with almost everything I need to be able to exist I have, but I would starve if it weren’t for Naia, starve for so many things. Locked. i can say this, and unlocked as it will be, i should. I don’t want a girlfriend. I told her that. I told her that. I love her. I told her that. I’m consumed by what I do, I’m the Freak Wrangler first. I love her, I feel as if I am cheating her. I don’t want a girlfriend, I love her, I have her, she has part of me but will probably never have all.I feel as if I am cheating her. She tells stories, beautiful and entertaining stories, but I can’t focus on those and when they come I go to my what I need to do at times as I am never able to escape that, and this time, I feel that it is good for me. This time it is. It is me and all I want to be. I dream that soon I will be able to take care of her the way she has been taking care of me with her scant earnings which are millions compared to mine and we will suspend the rain and dance through it with me feeling so much better about this but I feel as if I am cheating her and I feel that she deserves so much more someone who could be so entirely there for her but – I can’t.

I don’t want a girlfriend. I told her. Unfairly, I didn’t give reasons – it’s not until I write that I can find reasons my head doesn’t work like that my head doesn’t work in a way I can explain many things unless I wrote and the previous post might explain where it always is always distracted always elsewhere with something of a coam front because it’s all survival and this is the way my head has found a way to exist when everything is happening and everything is the most important thing and everything else is only everything else and I may get to that in time…

The extacy and anguish of dreams being realized.
The beauty and clarity of a half-asleep mind.
The promises we make that we believe in and
The promises we know we may fall short of
when nothing is clear.

These are the days of passion
These are the days of dreams
and
These are the days
where everything that might make sense
doesn’t
an we never know the conquerer
of these internal battles…