therapy

I begin again, again not knowing what the words will say but hoping they find their own path. A trail that might at least lead to a cleansing, if not peace.

I made the mistake of thinking that writing was an option for me, that I could put it off for other things that I misguidedly deemed more important.
I was wrong. They don’t go away, won’t leave me when left to stay in my head. The seethe, grow, scrape at the walls of my psyche, stripping it away piece by piece until I’m fragile and afraid, a terrified child again. They need to be let out, turned into ink and drained onto a page where they can no longer do harm to me. This is what I know now. I don’t have the luxury of choice in this. Not this. I can live with that. I have to.

They’re all I have that I trust will never go away – as long as I don’t leave them again.

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the view through closed eyes

I find her words again, and hers, and theirs. I do not write this to boast.

I write this to remember. I write this to come back.

I will. I am. I am still inside and I feel myself clawing at the flesh of forgotten wonder.

I am not a stationary man. I wander, I am meant to travel, to spread my wings and fly. I am meant to explore, adventure, discover.

The only thing that lasts in my life is love.
As I write this tears stream down my face and I remember too much, remember all of you.

I will always love you. From Brigida in 7th grade, to Kat who changed my world, to Michelle who made it beautiful. All the others. I remember your names, remember you.

There is still room. When we parted I gave you your piece of my heart, and you gave me back the same. There will always be room, that piece. A heart full yet wanting.

Sometimes they took it all and I had to rebuild. I am reckless in love. It is my curse, my benefit, my gift.

My curse.

I guard my heart dearly. I have lived, explored, seen and can still love? You need to deserve it these days. I do not give it out as freely as I did before.

“i find it hard to breathe in your arms. it has less to do with the urgency of your embrace, the strength in your slender sinewy limbs… more the relentlessness of your self. i find myself outnumbered, surrounded, because you are starving, ravenous, for life and love and laughter. 

and these things i have, like candies spilling out of my overfull hands 

i hold them behind me, not to taunt you, but unsure that i can surrender them without loosing fingers. 

you are no tame bird”

 

from another…

I do admire you… I do not know how you do to live the life you live. You remind me of the replicates in the Blade Runner Film. So wild and beautiful like poetry lost in time… like tears in the rain…

 

Do birds ever come to you?

 

I will be praying for you these days… for you, my friend, to get home soon. I am so very glad life is good to you because you are so good, way over too many stupidities of this world. And, I might be wrong, of course, for I perceive your nature must bring this need to pull it all the way. Not being a slave at any risk… it’s a pretty good damn meaning and purpose. I believe in you, you are an inspiration to life itself…

 

I feel you have been giving way too much, and you are so intense, could be dangerous like love… you seem from here like a wild tender beautiful authentic being, more than human. I want to pray for you to find what you are looking for, what you really need….

 

There is something of me in you; still we might be completely opposites… You are, brother, creator of fantasies, worlds, and million thousand ways to fly. I watch you fly mesmerized; still I wish something wires you to the land… I don’t know why, sometimes I wish I could become that wire to connect you with your land, or at least, send it to you in some magical way…

 

The higher you fly, the further away, the deeper this wish buries in me… like a dream, it cuts. It’s not easy to say this kind of things, to describe this kind of experience without some fear…

 

I hope you’ll understand… I hope you do receive a kiss and a hug with these words which aren’t enough, I know, but it’s all I got now…

 

these I write… no. These I read in order to remind myself of who I am. Not who I was, not who I need to get back to, not who I could have been… who I AM.

Everything we have always have searched for, needed or wanted is inside of us.
I close my eyes and see.

In silence, past death.

I watch, I see, I feel more than most realize. I would like to imagine that they do as well.

I see friends die, I watch in silence as their loves pass from this life, I can only watch as their family – mothers, fathers, animal companions, leave this physical world.

I have watched people take their last breath, have been witness to the sorrow they left behind as I stood by their families. They were crying. I gave my heart to them in the moment, wordless, no tears.
I have seen it, lived it, even been the one who looked into their eyes and saw that this was their final farewell to me – on both sides of death.

I cannot offer support, I don’t have the words to make it better – but know that I am there. I am there, all of me and what I have seen and lived, I am with you.

It is a private sorrow. I will not attempt to make it better – I cannot. No one can.

If you don’t see my post saying “sorry for your loss” or “I hope they get better”, it is not because I do not care.
Alone and silent, I share your sorrow… you will always remember the sting that the passing of someone dear fills you with, but eventually it will get smaller.

Do not be afraid. It will never go away. There will forever be that place in your heart that you hold for them, honor their life and influence with.

Absorb their shine, They are still watching, and are still with you. Shine brighter for them – in memory of them, in honor, in love.

I will be quiet, silent in any words. There is a place where even the best ones only increase the feeling of loss…

But please know that I am by your side – a shoulder to cry on, a heart that knows, a friend… a friend that will never leave you. A heart that cries just as loud as yours, and I will give everything I have to you if, somehow it might help.

In silence, this I vow with all of my heart.

nothing

“Trust me.”

If only they would hear how this is from my heart. If only I could believe that it made a difference.

All I have is words. All I have are these words and the gift of them. I want to take away your pain. I want to reach inside of your heart and take all of the hurt away. I want to reach inside of him and rip the cancer away, giving it to me. For him, for you.

Trust me. All I want is something better for all of us.

For me, for you. Words… these words make no difference that you can see, but trust me …

I would happily give the life I have fought so hard for to him.

inside

Today
for now
I sit in my bed for the first time
in a long while
upright

and wrong.

I think of darkness and
candle light
wishing that the sun would go away

because
in this fully- lit electric life
we talk and we talk about
what we are doing.

We talk about our outsides…

For one night, alone or with friends,
prepare dinner ahead
light candles
and see what you say then.

You will find a difference.
You will speak of feelings
You will speak from the inside.

and if you are alone
you will still be heard.