Of course it changed me. I expected it to. Only now though am I realizing how much… and I found that I was completely wrong in how I changed.
Well, what do ya know. It’s pretty amazing what you hear when you stop and actually listen to and question your mind.
In the time I spent in the hospice then hospital, I thought that I had grown stronger, more passionate for life, more driven to not only survive, but live Throw caution to the wind, live everyday to its fullest without a care or worry and a renewed lust to reach further and live harder than ever before. Burn, Shine, be brilliant and beautiful. Inspire.
Before I realized that I had lost control I never questioned my thoughts. After all, even though my soul was trying its best to break free, my mind, my thoughts always countered with a logical explanation as to why I should back off, settle down, be quiet.
Be safe in this little world where nothing can reach you, nothing can harm you. Buckle up. Hold on tight. Keep your hands inside the car at all times.
I always considered that because I was making what I thought were rational thoughts, that I could believe in them. That they were helping me.
I had forgotten how to question, forgotten how to feel for too long before my brain took over and said “Whooooa. Wait. What if you fail? You’re supposed to be inspirational, lived when so very few expected you to, supposed to give back. You made it this far, thanks to me, so hey, just chill, forget that fire in your heart and soul. Remember, it’s what got you here in the first place, that lust, that passion – but I saved you. Remember that.”
True, it was my mind that made me search beyond Western medicine, and found what could keep me alive – but through that, I lost control of it, believed in it far too much. This is the act of the insane.
The mind is an amazing thing, far above what we can even comprehend. All the supercomputers in the world couldn’t make a robot walk, chew gum, be markedly aware of what a dog is doing and admire the architecture of the buildings it walks by, while still watching out for shit on the sidewalk at the same time. And still, beyond all of that, making each small thing in our body do exactly as it should…
But I believe that we were given a heart, a soul, for a reason far beyond just pumping blood or playing blues. Our mind tends to get a bit arrogant in its power and authority. We forget to question it.
In the nearly two years I spent fighting to live, I needed to give all the power to my mind. Not only to stay alive and trust it would make rational decisions, but to keep as much as I could away from my heart. In one year I watched 13 people die in a building with 14 rooms. They were mostly friends. At the hospital more, but no number. Just empty beds in a sea of rooms. To feel them all would be to give up. My heart had to be separate from my thoughts.
Only now I realize my mistake. Only now I break through it – and it is actually quite simple. Just ask youself – “Is what I am accepting without questioning the truth, or only an illusion?” Really. feel. Fight the arrogant little demon that is in your head.
About a year and a half ago I walked out of the hospital. Maybe two. In that time, I have started and partially shut down many artistic endeavors, not followed through with CultureFlux, been barely surviving on less than $300 a month in the most expensive city, found, spent nine months with, and broke up with a beautiful woman – all because my mind told me I wasn’t worth it.
Oh, my mind certainly knows my buttons!
I am. I am worth it, and everything, and more. I had lived a life of throwing caution to the wind, and my mind did exactly what it is programmed to – keep me alive. Keep me safe.
But it needs to be questioned, it needs to be challenged. Safe is not always best, as if it were, we would never leave our homes, never try anything new, never desire to be more, never risk making mistakes or reaching for our dreams.
Never shine, never burn with passion, never fall in love.
The mind is only a tool. It is nothing if you don’t learn how to use it. It’s really quite simple to achieve – all you need to do is consciously question it, instead of believing that it always knows best. Pause. Breathe. Let Go.
In order to truly be alive, the heart and mind must work together. Make as many mistakes as possible. Jump off a cliff, but into the water. Learn how to breathe fire. Learn how to walk on stilts, and fall. Realize that everything hurts far less than you worry it will. For that matter, don’t EVER worry, but get shit done when it is time. Focus on the NOW.
Fall in love, even if you think it can’t be returned.
I have never questioned my heart…
And It Is Back, in harmony with my mind.
“Some people never go insane. What truly horrible live they must live.” ~ Charles Bukowski
This is something I wrote a bit ago in one of my journals. When it starts speaking TO me, the handwriting changed dramatically. In parts it was scratched through the thick paper in passion.
For so long
I’ve been waiting for someone
for so long
then you came a Thanksgiving night
And I looked into your eyes
for the first time as you stood beside me
there was no bottom
and I was lost.
It was you and I knew it
Talking for hours, looking so deep into your eyes
wanting so much
to know you
to believe in you
to believe that this might be.
Never leaving my mind,
filling my heart, slowly helping me to realize
who I am again
I offered you pieces
of my past
I offered you all
of my present
always looking to the
unknown future, wishing
that the ties that bound you
weren’t there, wishing
We dreamed together
Tears fell (more mine than yours as I became again)
we wrapped each other up
in each other
So nice inside of you
so afraid that the tests would come
And now they do.
Now they aren’t fucking around.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT THIS
HOW MUCH IS IT WORTH TO YOU
THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR NOW
PLAYTIME IS OVER TIME TO STEP
TIME IF YOU DARE TO STEP AHEAD
TIME TO SUMMON ALL OF YOUR
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
GONNA RUN? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE
USED TO SEEING AS WE WATCHED YOU.
YEAH, SURE, WE KNOW THAT YOU
KNOW YOURSELF, BUT WHY
DO YOU ALWAYS RUN? HAVE YOU BEEN SO AFRAID
OF KNOWING YOU? ARE YOU SO FRIGHTENED
No. We know it isn’t that. We know
you aren’t afraid of you. We know
that you’re better than that.
We know you are stronger.
We know that you were just so fucking tired of the gifts we gave you
so that you could become
who you are today.
we sent your mother away
we gave you no blood of your own
we gave you a family
who gave you everything as a child
except a friend who you could talk to
when things just weren’t right
and you had so many questions.
We gave you confusion
we gave you years of emptiness
we gave you an excruciating feeling
And we didn’t ever tell you why or where
it came from
we gave you so many lovers
so that you could try to leave them
with the same feeling
Not knowing that it was always
going to end up with you abandoning them
the way you were as a baby
a helpless fucking baby who
after four short months
the first four months you ever experienced
asking where was that part of you that was so warm where was that part of you that was peace where was the heartbeat and the smell and the voice that always could soothe and where was that part of you that your fucking life started inside of???
We gave you that emptiness knowing
We gave you your pain knowing
We gave you your confusion knowing
We gave you your heart knowing
We gave you your head knowing
We gave you your lovers
We gave you your drugs
We let you watch your friends
slowly die in front of you.
Do you remember that smell?
Of course you do. We made sure of it.
We gave it to you.
But we also gave you your joy
We also gave you your laughter
We gave you your heart, and
made sure it could feel love
We gave you your eyes, and
made sure they could shine
But we saw that you forgot, sometimes,
that you could love.
We saw that you forgot, sometimes,
that you could shine.
So we gave you a mind, a heart…
and we gave you a pen
So that you could remember.
We gave you all of the tools
it would take to become
who you are today.
We gave you everything you needed to be here,
So… What are you going to do?
Of course you can run. It’s easy.
We’ve given you that, too.
We’ve given you so many reasons to.
But if you stay
If you try
IF YOU WANT SO MUCH
WHAT YOU ASKED FOR
if you stay
IF YOU TAKE THIS DARE
(you always did as a child, remember?)
IF YOU USE THE STRENGTH
IF YOU USE YOUR LOVE
IF YOU SHINE LIKE WE TAUGHT YOU HOW
IF YOU USE THE RAGE THAT WE HAVE WORKED
SO HARD TO MAKE INSIDE
IF YOU DON’T IGNORE
And you don’t try to crawl
If you realize that
you have found a way
to keep yourself.
If you keep, this time
what we gave you
what you asked for
then won’t it all finally
make at least some sense?
Think about how much
would have been in vain
Think about throwing away
what could have been
Think about the time
that you didn’t have to let it become
Like you have
Like she has
There is so much more ahead
and it won’t always be easy
and it won’t always be fun
and it won’t always make sense
but the time you will share
as you don’t run from the lessons
as long as you don’t run from the pain
as long as there are the words
to fight the occasional confusion
as you give it time –
it finally may make the pain
just a little less.
We will always offer you, through this life
gifts to help you grow.
There will be pain involved,
more than you think that you can bear
but if you live through them
if you meet them face to face
see them for what they are, welcome them
and learn from them,
then you will also find
the strength you have inside
then you will also find
how deeply you can love
and then you will also find
and know the pleasure in that
because the pleasure
and the love,
and your heart that continues to beat
are our true gift