anywhere and to her

Wake up, start the water for coffee, shower the remnants of yesterday’s heat off of me, wondering what today will bring. To let it or make it happen. I don’t like not being able to control if I see her, and for that I feel childish. I wonder if I should feel childish, not getting my way and letting it upset me – but this is more than just wanting a trinket I could do without. Pour the coffee. Complete the base ritual.

She thought it was about her. Of course it was, but not about her. She is only the reason for voicing my frustration, making what I feel all days impossible to push aside, accept and ignore until things work out right and I have the freedom of going anywhere and to her. She is the exclamation point, not allowing the ease I have learned to push this need back and I notice my crippled wings.
I have worn them far too long, waiting for their repair and the freedom to fly again, to anywhere and to her.

I miss the roads. Is is wrong to say that I need the roads? Need to drive? We are taught not to need, that it is a base and unenlightened state. Just another material thing. I don’t need it. I tell myself I don’t need it. I try to fool myself but I know better. I know because without the roads, without the freedom, without the wind I feel caged. I’m able to pretend everything is find until I I am reminded of the bars that surround me.

to come to her

The day started out perfectly fine. Woke up early-ish, not enough sleep and a somewhat foggy head but nothing that couldn’t be dealt with given enough coffee.
While waiting for the water to boil for the coffee made the mistake of wiping a counter off – which then led to wiping all  the counters, the stove, etc. to make it appear that I wasn’t too much of a slob when Kat showed up this afternoon… and then coffee was had as I did the things I needed to…

But something went wrong somewhere. Some sort of trigger, something that suddenly turned things upside down inside of me into an altogether different feeling.

What should be a wonderful day, with me excited, dancing around and anticipating this afternoon, finally being able to see my girlfriend for the first time in nearly two weeks…

I tried to see it that way, to feel it just like I have since I met her, knowing things will change soon with an amazing job that I’ve been working on making mine, and finally not only having enough cash to give some away, but get a damn car. The way it is now isn’t right. It isn’t fair to her and… it isn’t working. If she has work, isn’t feeling good, and any other completely valid reason that has made us have to postpone our plans, I don’t get to see her. We don’t see each other.

again.

With a car I could get to her – take care of her if she’s feeling sick, help her do needed things in her garden, and simply – just fucking be with her without her being forced to come to me… when she can.

and again, seconds ago the news that she won’t be able to make it tonight because of another very valid reason. I understand. I don’t want her to be more stressed, as she already is a little crossing the bridge and having to find parking in my neighborhood… but all the hopes and excitement that is raised, the plans we make that fall through… it almost seems as if we’re being challenged. Tested.

Sometimes I even need to step back and be certain that I’m only disappointed in the situation, not her. She’s trying, and the entire circumstance is completely screwed. None of it is her fault. None of it is her doing. It just… is, and if there is any blame, it is on me, for I am the one who can’t get to her without a car. Even thought about taking BART the other day to be able to share some of the responsibility, but then realized – Ruby.

I need to make this better. I need to make this right. I need to be able to take some of the duty & obligation to simply try to spend time together off of her shoulders, because not being able to do that is crushing me.

We have postponed our plans to see each other again. Until tomorrow.
I can’t allow myself to get excited again. I won’t dare to hope again. I won’t believe again.
Not until I am holding her, looking at her, into her eyes and only inches from that smile of hers that makes everything better.

I don’t want to feel so disappointed in myself again.

I need a fucking car.

This is still happening, and we need it.

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/ruby-needs-your-help-and-mine-i-do-this-for-her/x/451145

You can do direct help through Paypal, if you don’t want to read about hos beautiful a pup Ruby is. kSea@culturefluxmagazine.com is my paypal addy.

Ruby in her favorite place, after playing in the park.

Ruby in her favorite place, after playing in the park.

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