Eternal Love

 

9.28.2017

I wear the necklace that I made out of her teeth much less these days, the smile she always wore that now, on occasion, I do. But both of our smiles are fragile.

Twelve years. It doesn’t get easier, only different – but that’s perhaps my fault, my choice. I never want to forget. – there are still triggers; but it has found  a different place in my heart, one of warmth and fondness instead of pain. Now, a subtle smile crosses my face as I recall her beauty, and we again smile together.

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Her ashes still rest by me, and the memories of those glorious days on the road from San Francisco, the long & accidental way to Austin. Austin wasn’t the plan, but as always, plans change – and we were needed there in the days following Hurricane Katrina to help. Every day an adventure. I had purpose. I was needed. The months living in The Enchanted Forest, both extraordinarily beautiful and full of sorrow, will remain in my heart, along with Bean, forever.

More than anything, she loved the car. I took her with me everywhere I could with me… but on that day – September 28th, 2005, she couldn’t come. Going to help a friend build a rain structure for a wedding reception, I was only gone for a couple hours. This time, however, she wasn’t waiting where we parked at the end of the driveway as she had always done before…

I learned moments later that her body had been found on the train tracks by friends at the Forest. Head crushed, but a stuffed toy, somehow, still in her mouth. I think that’s what they said. After the first words I wasn’t listening anymore.

Nearly always in these days of the year there’s a melancholy or need that comes over me – a longing. (Or, more appropriately said, it’s amplified.) A need to travel, to just go and watch cities & past disappear in the rearview mirror.

The way the Universe smiles on me sometimes, even when I don’t see it until later… A friend of mine, David, loaned me his car to do things I needed for four days, and on the last, after everything had mostly been done, I decided to give it all to Ruby – the only dog I’ve known who loves the car even more than Bean did. Starting at 5:30am, our drive began – sunrise at her favorite local park, then down to the Wharf where I took her for the first time as a pup of only four months old. Top down, loving every second of the wind & sunshine, we drove like beasts crunching bones & sucking the marrow out of the roads & the day, until the uncharacteristic San Francisco heat drove us back inside my apartment to rest in front of the fan.

Only a day later, when I realized the date, did the deep-seeded need become clear – it was my tribute to Bean, and all the miles we had driven together.

I look at the photo I took of her moments before we began our adventure, looking out the window of my van with a beautiful smile on her face – waiting for me to get in the car so we could go…

Bean

I’m sorry Bean, I thought I would see you sooner than this – but I had other things to do. I know you understand.

I miss you.
And one day, we’ll all drive again – you, Ruby, & me.

Until again, my sweet girl.

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To Go.

To live each day as if it has been stolen from death. To wake up every morning knowing that the possibilities are infinite, to release myself from the burden of “how” & the anguish that I encounter every day. To grab Ruby & drive to the Sea, to the mountains, to my mother. To raise my voice and shout at the sky “I am alive, I am wonderful, I am free. I AM.

To feel again the roads underneath me, always looking forward at what I can be, not what I was. The past always takes from the present. To again realize the physicality of the world has its boundaries only if my will is weak, only if I am afraid. To again accomplish the things that the normal person would think impossible.

To go. The wheel lightly held in my hands, the windows down & wind cleansing away the past. To wonder in anticipation and excitement what lies around the next corner, over the next crest. To keep going and discover where I end up. Always forward. For a driver, a wanderer, a dreamer, not having these things takes away part of the soul.

I wake up every morning and say “I wish.” I wish I could take myself and Ruby to the Sea, to the mountains. I wish I could get to events & trade shows to show people the things I can make when my hands meet my heart. I wish I could help people get to where they need to go, visit others who can’t go anywhere. I wish I could visit my Birth Mother, and finally get to know the woman who gave me this life. I wish I could make hers better. I wish I could get in my car and just go, leaving the unforgiving brutality of the sidewalks behind me and again follow the wind. Again follow my dreams.

I wish.

I will.

…to me

6:41am – Hot coffee, a smoke, looking on the interweb for places to in the mountains to dissapear to for a few days or weeks, and getting my hair chopped & died today. Happy birthday to me.

On this day I always wonder where she is; if she thinks of me, if she’s even still alive. Searches in the past for her turned up next to nothing – I might have my nationality, but that’s pretty much it. She was a college student, so was he. Norweigan, Irish, Mutt & mutt – but I like the Norweigan & Irish so I’m sticking with those. With no known mother or father, I get to choose who I want to be.

No known beginning. I just… was. Of course with the amazing things that have happened all through my life once I started paying attention, the fact that after it all I should be dead a hundred times and am not, I fantasize about being more in the supernatural realm of things – but really, aren’t we all if we let ourselves see?

I’ve been reading a book that an acquaintance said I should, said I might like. By Deepak Chopra, it’s called The Way of the Wizard. It is based on Merlin & his teachings, and though I don’t really go for your common “Self Help” book these days, choosing more to remember all of what I’ve already read & experienced, there are many parts that I like in this one, that resound in me. One I particularly like is towards the end of the “Lessons”, where Merlin & Arthur are parting ways.

>>>”I wanted to give you a parting gift, and I could think of nothing better than this.” Merlin pointed to the road beneath their feet, which had also appeared overnight. “Roads are the sign of the wizard. Or did you know that?”… “Although you may fancy that you own a part of this world, in fact you only walk it. In spirit you are the dust on the road, the restlessness in the wind. You mortals build homes to protect yourselves from the world. To a wizard home is this moment, and moments are always moving–”     “On the road of time,” Arthur said, finishing the sentence for him.”…>>>

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I’m excited about the changes happening in my life right now. There is much of the past to let go of, many ways that I’ve become accustomed to, comfortable with, that I must transition away from – but with each death comes a new life, and hell, death is certainly no stranger to me. In order to learn how to live I had to accept the idea of my physical death over half of my life ago. In many ways, this is perhaps the most incredible gift I have ever received, even with all of the loneliness that has come with it, the sorrow, pain, and… and the child who would have been named Blue. It took me years of ripping myself apart, years of struggle, to realize I wasn’t getting anywhere. The problem was the struggle, and that in simply letting things be, looking at them, and truly seeing the clues, invitations, and finding the hidden treasures buried deep inside devastation & disaster.
That is where peace lies, where the answers are; and where I only recently realized what love truly is. At least I think so – the idea is there, but putting it into practice? Hell, I’m sure that will be a different story altogether. I still want that someone to share things with, still would happily admit that I’m imperfect enough to look for the person I wrote about in Enough”, “No Vacancy – and ridiculous amounts of other places over the years.

I don’t think I ever want to be so extraordinarily “Fool on the Hill” Self-satisfied as to forget how to deeply value the  perfection of moments such as watching someone I am in love with sleep, and wonder what they are dreaming about, of seeing the world grow brighter when they laugh, watching the little things they do when they think that no one else is watching… of wrapping my fingers through the hair behind their head & pulling them to me – and of sharing with them the beauty of such simple things as the road, eating crappy food & all the goofy junk that we can’t live without at truck stops (Mad Libs!), coming to the crest of a mountain and watching the world stretch out before us, knowing that it is us, and that it is ours, and feeling our love expand and enfold us in the awed silence we share… (Whoa. Whoa! That was intended to be much shorter. Like – maybe one incredibly profound line. I swear, when the romantic fool inside of me is allowed to say a few words ya just can’t shut him up.)

And the magick of life continues to unfold each moment…

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I think I need to go do some manly stuff now after the fluffiness of that last paragraph – work on my Motorhome (Alice), sharpen my knives, scratch my balls (whether they need it or not – HA!), make Alice into a monster motorhome – and maybe even be so bold as to put those nekkid lady mud-flaps on her… and then, um –  get my hair done. In a manly way. By a sexy chick. (aka the lovely & talented Raven Amparo – hair goddess.)

It couldn’t be more appropriate that The Temple of Flux burns tonight – and for the first year, the Temple is not a building; it is a much more organic shape, depicting mountains & valleys & the like. Coincidence?

I think not.