Too Far to Fail Now

Twelve years ago I jumped off a cliff & gave up everything to follow my dreams. I lost my apartment, my car, slept on couches & went hungry – but refused to go back. (As long as my dog was fed!)
Then, my wings unfolded.

I did things. I had incredible adventures. I helped people overcome their self-doubt & perform in front of hundreds of people. Volunteered for Katrina refugees, was one of the first street performers in New Orleans after The Storm. Created an award-winning magazine, produced events, did more things. Met amazing people.
Fell in love.

Then my body decided to die. My unrealized dreams & I disagreed with it, & The Battle was on… and now I’m writing a book about ALL of it.

This book is going to rock your world. Hopefully, it’s going to rock THE world.

It won’t likely be like anything you’ve read before. It’s an authentic, raw, funny, honest, moving and inspiring story of my past twelve years, and how I turned a mundane, unremarkable existence into a beautiful, useful & helpful life. A life that I am finally proud of…

This book is about remembering how to dance with life. About not letting life happen to you anymore, but making it happen foryou. It’s for the dreamers, the believers, those that thrive on the hope of fulfilling the potential we’ve all been blessed with.
And it’s about love.

I just need to get it out to the world.

I’ve come too far to fail.

My Kickstarter launches in 13 DAYS. July 6th, Wednesday.
I’ve crunched numbers, & I fear that I don’t have contact with enough people to succeed in reaching my goal.

I’m going to need your help – not only to change my life, but most importantly inspire others to live theirs.

LET’S CHANGE THE WORLD!

Sign up on my new site – save time & get updates you would otherwise miss! (No flooding – promise.)

www.kseaflux.com

LOVE YOU.

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Only a small piece of it all…

I understand now how people in my position are pushed to become thieves.
Believe me, I’ve considered it – but almost never seriously.
Almost.
But it comes down to this: Money is such a minuscule piece of the whole.
Yesterday I deposited my disability check of $434.70 – what I am supposed to somehow survive on for the entire month after rent is paid. (The service takes out rent & hands me a check for the balance.) The next few days are usually the best- the “adulting” I feel in being able to pay bills, get food & treats for Ruby, order herbs I’m almost out of, do laundry – and look at all the amazing events happening, fantasizing about actually going out and seeing people.
And sometimes, I get to go to a cafe. I stand in line, look up at the board for something that sounds good but isn’t stupid expensive ($4.50 is my limit – until now an unconscious one) – and as I wait for the coffee to be made look for a small table, just for me & my laptop. Preferably somewhere in a corner, where I can look at people, not be noticed, and in sacred anonymity, write. 

The money goes quickly. I’m always behind in my PG&E bill, always short on herbs. I do my best to make sure I have the most important ones. I know exactly what happens when I run out and have the blood stains on my sheets & clothes to remind me.

This is why I ask for help. How I am able to tear down all that I have believed myself to be, push the weight of pride and the determination to do it myself aside, and find a shaking voice that is able to speak up.
I can’t describe how amazed and grateful I am that you’ve stuck with me for this long. You have not only helped me stay healthy physically, but *mentally* as well.

But this is where I have no choice but to ask for help again. I’ve been doing well and getting noticeably BETTER over the months with your support, and I simply can *not* get well without it. After bills & a small order of dog food & herbs, I now have .59 cents to last me for the ENTIRE month. PLEASE, help if you can – in any way.
Paypal – ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com.
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We CAN win this. I can not do it without you.
Paypal addy is ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com
It’s a terrifying & sickening vulnerability, as every time I ask for you to help prevent me from going back into the hospital again, you always have the option to say “no” – or to rip my heart to pieces, ignoring these words completely.
Looking out through my eyes, it’s hard not to see the absence of financial support the same as taking away emotional support as well – as since I almost never see any of you, and the only times you say anything to me are in the messages in Paypal or GoFundMe. It usually is all I ever see that shows you still care.
I know how pitiful that sounds and I hate it.

Your support extends FAR beyond only financial gifts, and each time it lessens the weight of this daily struggle. It lightens *my* spirit.
Paypal addy – ksea@cultureflumagaxine.com
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After picking up the check & depositing it in my bank, I took Rubes to Civic Center so she could run around & we could play in the *gorgeous* sunny day (as much as my bruised back let me), then we went to Walgreen’s so I could pick up Epsom salts for my back & more Band-Aid’s. When I don’t have the proper herbs, my legs itch like hell & I scratch the paper-thin flesh off in parts. The band-aid’s help prevent infection a little…

Then home to pay as many bills as possible, order a couple weeks of the most important herbs (as well as dog food) – and that left me with just a little under $100 for the month for nutritious food for me, herbs to help itching (less important but still needed) and the always essential coconut water. Normal water doesn’t hydrate or process, making legs & abdomen bloat & swell.

Today Chuck was kind enough to pick me up at the hospital & we made stops to pick up liver & fruit at the cheap Mission groceria – but at that stop I checked my account balance.
Expecting to have around $60-$70 still, my heart sank when I saw that my total balance was $5.70, and $6 cash in pocket.

I had no choice to put all the good fruit back & keep only the liver, so I would have enough to get wet food for Rubes & a few liters of coconut water at Trader Joe’s to last 4 days – if I don’t drink as much as I should.

Okay – Im fighting to keep my eyes open, and losing. I’m frustrated, & going to sleep. PLEASE help in any way you can. This isn’t a frivolous request, & what you do when you support this fight is nothing less than help keep me out of the hospitals – and quite simply, keep the spirit of this warrior fighting to stay alive.

You guys are incredible. Please keep believing in me.

Love love love,
~ Casey

PS – PLEASE don’t hesitate to share, like, and keep bumping this around so it can be seen.
Thank you!

Enough is Enough/The Scourge

(PLEASE take a minute & read to the end to realize how far we’ve come. Thank you! ~ C)

I would much rather be talking about something like my book sales (soon!), amount of people the book has helped, or Bernie’s lead in the polls when I say “It just keeps getting bigger!” – and I have little doubt that soon I will be able to say it about those things, but unfortunately in this case, I’m not. I’m talking about something so revolting, so unnecessary, and something that could either continue to be the scourge of my existence, haunting my every moment with it’s curse & making every possible romantic interest run away screaming in revulsion – or simply be fixed in a couple hours, letting me live the life I (we) have fought so hard for over the past years.

Yeah, I’m talking about my godsdamned umbilical hernia. It grows. It laughs at me. Even the old beat up truss I use can’t contain it anymore. (It keeps slipping down.)

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It now has a new addition – a permanent “band aid”. Due to the constant chafing on my shirt, regardless of how tight I make the truss each morning, I have an open wound the size of a dime that simply refuses to heal… but there MAY be good news, just around the corner.

In 6 days, I FINALLY go in for a surgery consultation, and this is the point where they decide if they will perform the surgery necessary to make everything right again.

It’s absurd how (I’ve let) something as dumb as this has taken so much control over my enjoyment of life.

There are a few reasons that they wouldn’t agree to perform the surgery as far as I know, which are too much fluid in my abdomen, platelets so low that they would be afraid that I’ll never stop bleeding until the pump shuts down, or they’re curious to see what it looks like when a person’s guts come popping out of his belly like one of those “party popper” things with the streamers that we shoot in people’s hair.
I’m pretty sure we can cancel out the later though, as hell – this is SFGH, and I’m SURE they’ve seen their fair share of guts not neatly tucked into the body where they belong.

In order to have the best chance of not having either of the other two make them deny my surgery however (brief pause for AWWWwww! Ruby’s having a tail-wagging dream right now!)

Anyway, as I was saying, in order to have the best chance of getting my intestines back where they belong so I don’t have to deal with the daily physical pain & all the other stuff – I need your help. Again.

I’ve been taking over twice the dose of the herbs that will help (due to my poorly functioning liver & mal-absorption of everything, it’s necessary) and ran out, just a couple days ago. Already, the fluid is building up, my abdomen & legs are beginning to swell, and the pain and pressure builds.

As I’m sure you can imagine, even if you’re on of the few who haven’t been there, it’s horribly demeaning to still have to ask for help. Through most of my life, as broke as I’ve been, I’ve almost always – ALWAYS found a way to make it work out, save for a few past emergencies. Even though each time I feel like I take every bit of my dignity & throw it out the window – I have no choice other than to plead for you to help me in this fight again.

My paypal addy is ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com

The good news is that we ARE winning! There are quite a number of herbs that I’ve been able to cut down on or quit altogether, and the physical difference in me from just a couple of months ago is incredible. I have more energy, can put my shoes & socks on without needing to contort myself in strange ways just to reach my feet, and no more pools of blood or fluid from scratching off the tiniest scab. You ARE making a HUGE difference in my life, and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

So please, if you can, I need your financial support to get rid of this damned hernia! We’re getting so incredibly close to what you’ve all been helping me reach for – let’s keep on making this dream come true – and THANK YOU!

That address once again – ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com

Love love love,

~ Casey

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To do it right…

I’ve been playing a dangerous game. Cutting corners, taking far less than I know I should in order to stretch it all just a little bit further, keeping a close eye on it all, noticing everything that was okay or about to go wrong, and hoping it wasn’t too late to fix.

I watched my legs begin to swell, and instead of taking more herbs to fix it I opened them up, draining the fluid that way. A tiny hole in each ankle a couple hours before I went to sleep, that’s all – but the fluid that was built up continued to flow all through the night, saturating the towels I had stacked underneath. Even when I was woken up with my legs cramping I let them continue until the morning, when I finally put a small drop of super-glue on each to staunch the flow. It’s the only thing that works, when the skin begins to dry & wrinkle & feel thin as paper.

It’s a foolish way to achieve what I needed to, I know that – but it kept me from needing to ask for help at least a little bit longer.

Now, I need to. Nearly ALL of my herbs are down to the last, and I have no money to get the foods I need or more coconut water for effective hydration.

Again, I need help – but hey, even though I did it the wrong way, at least it’s been over a month since I last asked!

Meanwhile, I’m continuing to work diligently on what I can give you – my book. Right now, it’s the only way I can repay the energy you share with me – but I AM getting better, and as I continue to – as I continue to work on getting my strength & health back, there will be more & more things I will be able to offer…

So if you can, please help. That leaky-leg crap – well, I’d like to avoid it in the future & do this *RIGHT.

I can’t thank you enough for all of your help – but I’m sure as hell trying, even if it’s simply passing it forward by giving old clothes & boots & blankets to the people who need them in my neighborhood… I do what *I can.

My paypal addy is ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com – and whether you can or can’t help, that doesn’t matter – I’m still going to love you.
To your health! (& mine),

~ Casey (kSea flux)

Four Years Later I Again Meet Death at the Table – and Laugh.

So incredibly thankful EVERY day, *for* every day. Not just when they tell me to be on this gluttonous holiday farce.
So overwhelmingly grateful for *you*…

I have a tremendous amount to be thankful for, and each day – each *breath*, it grows.
I must admit though – at this very moment, there is a bit of apprehension sticking it’s fingers into the sockets of my synapses, as with the recent change from the prescription poison diuretics to purely herbs, I’m going through the herbs VERY quickly, don’t have $ for more *or* the specific foods I need that help – and they will take at (usually) a couple weeks to catch up to full force.

(I stopped the prescriptions because my promise to take them during the hep-c drug was fulfilled, but during that time they ripped iron from my anemic blood, gave me the gift of all the cramping & hellish sleepless nights, and jus generally – not good stuff.)

Getting Back into the Swing of Things & wiping the nervous sweat from my brow…

Since 11/17, I’ve gained 19.4lbs in fluid, mostly in my abdomen, and though I *do* have some milder herbs I was taking with the script pills – I need to get the things that will help me step the hell up.
This is what I was talking about in all of those overly verbose posts that I can’t blame you for not reading – lack of stability. This is the time when it is the most fragile. Where every single action I take – or don’t – could either bring it out on the other side healthy, shining, & ready to take back the world… or end it.

Thumbing my nose at Death

Soon, the FurBeast & I are off to Victoria’s (Cowboygirl) sis’s house for a semi-small gathering, and if her sister is anything like her – I suspect a huge, “take care of everyone” feasting.
In the front of my mind is the last time I spent TG with Vic, at her house. Four years ago.

On November 27th, 2011, the very next day, I was in the ER, intubated,  & on partial life support, jacked with a chemical paralytic … and unconscious for a week or more.

It’s completely foolish to even toy with the idea of it happening again, but with the sudden weight gain & fluid retention, swelling, and need for new abdominal truss’s/binders (my old ones served me well, but have hit their “planned obsolescence” point, I guess) – there is a lot that can go wrong… but just because I’m doing nearly the exact same thing doesn’t mean that it will, of course.

Still, I’m frightened… but I think it’s time to walk through it & laugh it off – after all, the more I focus on being *sick* instead of getting better…

I still need your help – PLEASE, if you can. Getting past this is, I believe, the final *known* hurdle – there won’t be any more drugs started or stopped, and I just need the herbs & overpriced tools to keep my insides from falling out.

My Paypal addy is ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com – and once again, I really need you. A 20 POUND GAIN in 9 days is not good, and I KNOW how to get it off – I just need the things to do it with.

It’s going to be an OUTSTANDING evening, and I’m going to stop entertaining such absurd fears NOW. (But ya gotta admit – it *does* fit far too well for a repeat!)

To each and every one of you – I LOVE YOU, and that gratitude I feel for having you in my life… is purely overwhelming at times.
Most of the time.
In so many ways, you *continue* to keep me alive… though I must admit, I do a bit of work along those lines as well. wink emoticon

Paypal: ksea@culturefluxmagaxine.com – *or* you can help fight through the link to the GoFundMe campaign that a friend set up if you wish, but that takes longer & they take *much* more out.

I love you, dearly.
Thank you.

consequences

In the past week alone, I’ve heard of three separate people who have recently passed from Hep-C complications. Without you, I would have been one of them four years ago. That doesn’t mean, however, that I’m in the clear. It’s still a daily battle, closely monitoring everything about my body, doing special exercises, tending to wounds and doing what I need to to keep from getting sick again.

I don’t just “get sick”. If I neglect to do anything & my health goes south, I end up in the hospital, to face an even harder fight if I get out.

But I also need to think of the consequences. The swollen legs & splitting skin, the distended abdomen, the crippling pain – you think just the thought of that would be enough for me to push aside my fear that you’ll end up despising me, or at the very worst, ignoring me. Scorning me, my words…

 

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Every single day I fight like hell to never go back to this...

Every single day I fight like hell to never go back to this…

But your financial help is the ONLY way that I can get the various herbs, foods, and other things I need to avoid being hospitalized and fighting to stay alive. Especially because right now, thanks to you, I AM getting better, and feeling more of the person I was before all of this… but I’m out of money, and a few days away from being out of some of the herbs I need.

Because I was afraid of what you might think of me, I got myself into a somewhat terrifying bind.

There is no other option I have, and as much as I loathe having to keep doing it – I’m the guy who goes through complete hell if, like last time, I don’t try every option I can think of, and there aren’t too many.

Therefore I ask again, and will until we either have won the fight, or I end up in the hospital again, wondering if just returning to the same fight is worth it.

And thank you, for everything. With all of my heart, with all of my hope & spirit, thank you. 

I love you.

~ Casey


the fight inside

It’s been quite a while.
Many things have happened, and are happening.
The book – MY book, is still in the forefront on the priority list – and it’s right up there with staying alive.

I have no desire to literally  be a ghost writer… let me get known just for writing while alive, first. Then, we’ll see what I can pull off when the time comes.

This is my latest update on the page that is helping to save my  life in this battle – please share it, spread it around, let people know that they can REALLY rock my world. It’s at a critical point right now, and I need people joining me in my fight to stay alive.

Thank you.

~ Casey


There are bad days, & still worse nights – but generally my health & the way I feel are improving, getting close to what I was before I ran out of scratch & herbs the last time & ended up in the hospital.

This is when the fear creeps in; when I begin to feel the stress I know that trying to cheer myself up and hope that it may not happen this time is futile. I’ve been there. I know this place.
The money runs out, then the herbs, and my body begins to fall apart… again. Again, and each time it is more difficult, takes longer & a much harder fight to come back – and I don’t know if I have the strength to anymore. I don’t know if I want to.
I don’t want to have to wait until I end up in the hospital for the help to come, but when there isn’t an emergency, when it just seems to be daily maintenance, maybe you believe that your help in this fight is less appreciated, less needed – when in fact, it’s the exact opposite.

I need you the most when I am getting better. When things are less dramatic, when it doesn’t “appear” that I’m fighting for my life – just taking my herbs like someone else a bit more fortunate takes their 1-A-Day vitamin…

But EVERY day is a fight. I take 15 different herbs, document how much of each & play with the quantities. I write how I’m feeling each day, if there is a noticeable change, try to determine if it’s because of the herbs or just the day. Meditation, physical exercise, focusing & visualization, breathing exercises, wound cleaning & dressing from where I gouged myself due to the insane subcataneous itching (which drinking Aloe I just discovered helps a LOT) – but by far, the herbs are the most important.

That’s why the terror sets in when I’m broke & running low. I still need to eat as well.

Right now all I feel is dread. I’ve ended up in the hospital too many times, have fought far too long & hard, have endured more than enough pain – and I don’t want to have to go through this fight again for such a stupid reason as not having the funds to purchase what I need.

Though I am getting better, I still desperately need the herbs & teas & everything else that I take everyday to win this fight – as without them, it all goes to hell – and I’m so dreadfully weary of going there.
I just want to write my book, and not fight back the tears that come as they try to right now, when I don’t have enough money for the herbs I need because I need to purchase coconut water to fight the cramps.

I’m getting weary of asking, but right now, YOU are all that I have to keep me out of the hospitals, and I need you in this fight. NOW is the most important time – not after I’ve ended up in the hospital… as by then, it just may be too late. Too much work to come back, just because I ran out of what I need now.

Please. I need you in this fight, I need you in this battle for a life that I DON’T have to fight for every single day, and I need your support now. Now.
Please give, PLEASE share this *everywhere* and continue to share it, because apparently there are a lot of people who aren’t online 24/7.
***Another way to support the fight besides the campaign is my Paypal Account – ksea@CultureFluxMagazine.com – they don’t take the 9% of everything that GoFundMe does, so that’s really nice.***


It rips me apart to say this, to admit it, to ask over & over – but I really, really need all the help you can offer.

I mean hell – we’ve come this far, and I’ve been busting my ass – (the herbs are only a *small* part of the daily regimen) – so lets keep going, please?
I’ve decided that I really don’t like hospitals – at least not spending months in them.

FIGHT with me, SHARE this campaign – and from the bottom of my heart – THANK YOU!