Beauty of Blue

Saturday afternoon, 9-11-10.
Of course I remember where I was, each second. Michelle, the girlfriend
that I met in New York & later almost created an entirely different
life with in San Diego, called me, woke me up.
She was normally such a strong person, so when I heard the tears
on the other end of the line saying that the World Trade Center had
collapsed, I threw on my closest clothes, hopped on my Harley & rode,
rode like fire the few miles to her house.
"They're burning - they haven't fallen..."
What I didn't know is that I was seeing a replay, and seconds later,
I couldn't have held her tighter as the first tower fell...

But that was a different life. There have been many since. Most I am able to simply learn from, but Michelle – she is something different, and so was our life together. It waas filled with immeasurable beauty at times, dancing in the gay clubs with Dana & Tom – we all used to get so much enjoyment as I teased the gay men, and she was their Queen – but then, everything changed. Everything.

Three times pregnant in my denial, the third we had chosen to keep. We both knew it would have been a boy, named it Blue. Terrified & excited, got our hands on any books we could to help us… but there was one last thing we needed to do – and all the years of denial came back – but hell, there was a good chance, wasn’t there? A very good chance that she would be my wife, my lover, mother of our child and best friend.

She came out of the Dr’s office fine, I didn’t. A note – “I’m sorry…” and Blue was no longer able to be our flesh, our blood. Fuck everything else, this is the greatest weight in my heart.

Perhaps this is why I center on me – not in a way that is about me, but in a way that will let me grow – through the pain, sorrow, and joy; through all the incredible challenges that life decides that I’m strong enough for – but I still have my doubts, until I realize that Blue is now an Angel watching over me, that Bean is the same. That all the people that have struck a chord in my heart – all of the parts of my life where there was such an amazing love that it can never be forgotten, never qualified as “the Past” – and stays with me, as something I can reach to and realize that the life I have lived – the life I live has meant something to someone and perhaps continues to, when I think


that as ornery as I may get, as disgusted at the what Facebook & Twitter has made some brilliant people become in their idiotic posts,

I may still be understood, may still

be loved.

…to me

6:41am – Hot coffee, a smoke, looking on the interweb for places to in the mountains to dissapear to for a few days or weeks, and getting my hair chopped & died today. Happy birthday to me.

On this day I always wonder where she is; if she thinks of me, if she’s even still alive. Searches in the past for her turned up next to nothing – I might have my nationality, but that’s pretty much it. She was a college student, so was he. Norweigan, Irish, Mutt & mutt – but I like the Norweigan & Irish so I’m sticking with those. With no known mother or father, I get to choose who I want to be.

No known beginning. I just… was. Of course with the amazing things that have happened all through my life once I started paying attention, the fact that after it all I should be dead a hundred times and am not, I fantasize about being more in the supernatural realm of things – but really, aren’t we all if we let ourselves see?

I’ve been reading a book that an acquaintance said I should, said I might like. By Deepak Chopra, it’s called The Way of the Wizard. It is based on Merlin & his teachings, and though I don’t really go for your common “Self Help” book these days, choosing more to remember all of what I’ve already read & experienced, there are many parts that I like in this one, that resound in me. One I particularly like is towards the end of the “Lessons”, where Merlin & Arthur are parting ways.

>>>”I wanted to give you a parting gift, and I could think of nothing better than this.” Merlin pointed to the road beneath their feet, which had also appeared overnight. “Roads are the sign of the wizard. Or did you know that?”… “Although you may fancy that you own a part of this world, in fact you only walk it. In spirit you are the dust on the road, the restlessness in the wind. You mortals build homes to protect yourselves from the world. To a wizard home is this moment, and moments are always moving–”     “On the road of time,” Arthur said, finishing the sentence for him.”…>>>

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m excited about the changes happening in my life right now. There is much of the past to let go of, many ways that I’ve become accustomed to, comfortable with, that I must transition away from – but with each death comes a new life, and hell, death is certainly no stranger to me. In order to learn how to live I had to accept the idea of my physical death over half of my life ago. In many ways, this is perhaps the most incredible gift I have ever received, even with all of the loneliness that has come with it, the sorrow, pain, and… and the child who would have been named Blue. It took me years of ripping myself apart, years of struggle, to realize I wasn’t getting anywhere. The problem was the struggle, and that in simply letting things be, looking at them, and truly seeing the clues, invitations, and finding the hidden treasures buried deep inside devastation & disaster.
That is where peace lies, where the answers are; and where I only recently realized what love truly is. At least I think so – the idea is there, but putting it into practice? Hell, I’m sure that will be a different story altogether. I still want that someone to share things with, still would happily admit that I’m imperfect enough to look for the person I wrote about in Enough”, “No Vacancy – and ridiculous amounts of other places over the years.

I don’t think I ever want to be so extraordinarily “Fool on the Hill” Self-satisfied as to forget how to deeply value the  perfection of moments such as watching someone I am in love with sleep, and wonder what they are dreaming about, of seeing the world grow brighter when they laugh, watching the little things they do when they think that no one else is watching… of wrapping my fingers through the hair behind their head & pulling them to me – and of sharing with them the beauty of such simple things as the road, eating crappy food & all the goofy junk that we can’t live without at truck stops (Mad Libs!), coming to the crest of a mountain and watching the world stretch out before us, knowing that it is us, and that it is ours, and feeling our love expand and enfold us in the awed silence we share… (Whoa. Whoa! That was intended to be much shorter. Like – maybe one incredibly profound line. I swear, when the romantic fool inside of me is allowed to say a few words ya just can’t shut him up.)

And the magick of life continues to unfold each moment…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I think I need to go do some manly stuff now after the fluffiness of that last paragraph – work on my Motorhome (Alice), sharpen my knives, scratch my balls (whether they need it or not – HA!), make Alice into a monster motorhome – and maybe even be so bold as to put those nekkid lady mud-flaps on her… and then, um –  get my hair done. In a manly way. By a sexy chick. (aka the lovely & talented Raven Amparo – hair goddess.)

It couldn’t be more appropriate that The Temple of Flux burns tonight – and for the first year, the Temple is not a building; it is a much more organic shape, depicting mountains & valleys & the like. Coincidence?

I think not.