Enough is Enough/The Scourge

(PLEASE take a minute & read to the end to realize how far we’ve come. Thank you! ~ C)

I would much rather be talking about something like my book sales (soon!), amount of people the book has helped, or Bernie’s lead in the polls when I say “It just keeps getting bigger!” – and I have little doubt that soon I will be able to say it about those things, but unfortunately in this case, I’m not. I’m talking about something so revolting, so unnecessary, and something that could either continue to be the scourge of my existence, haunting my every moment with it’s curse & making every possible romantic interest run away screaming in revulsion – or simply be fixed in a couple hours, letting me live the life I (we) have fought so hard for over the past years.

Yeah, I’m talking about my godsdamned umbilical hernia. It grows. It laughs at me. Even the old beat up truss I use can’t contain it anymore. (It keeps slipping down.)

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It now has a new addition – a permanent “band aid”. Due to the constant chafing on my shirt, regardless of how tight I make the truss each morning, I have an open wound the size of a dime that simply refuses to heal… but there MAY be good news, just around the corner.

In 6 days, I FINALLY go in for a surgery consultation, and this is the point where they decide if they will perform the surgery necessary to make everything right again.

It’s absurd how (I’ve let) something as dumb as this has taken so much control over my enjoyment of life.

There are a few reasons that they wouldn’t agree to perform the surgery as far as I know, which are too much fluid in my abdomen, platelets so low that they would be afraid that I’ll never stop bleeding until the pump shuts down, or they’re curious to see what it looks like when a person’s guts come popping out of his belly like one of those “party popper” things with the streamers that we shoot in people’s hair.
I’m pretty sure we can cancel out the later though, as hell – this is SFGH, and I’m SURE they’ve seen their fair share of guts not neatly tucked into the body where they belong.

In order to have the best chance of not having either of the other two make them deny my surgery however (brief pause for AWWWwww! Ruby’s having a tail-wagging dream right now!)

Anyway, as I was saying, in order to have the best chance of getting my intestines back where they belong so I don’t have to deal with the daily physical pain & all the other stuff – I need your help. Again.

I’ve been taking over twice the dose of the herbs that will help (due to my poorly functioning liver & mal-absorption of everything, it’s necessary) and ran out, just a couple days ago. Already, the fluid is building up, my abdomen & legs are beginning to swell, and the pain and pressure builds.

As I’m sure you can imagine, even if you’re on of the few who haven’t been there, it’s horribly demeaning to still have to ask for help. Through most of my life, as broke as I’ve been, I’ve almost always – ALWAYS found a way to make it work out, save for a few past emergencies. Even though each time I feel like I take every bit of my dignity & throw it out the window – I have no choice other than to plead for you to help me in this fight again.

My paypal addy is ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com

The good news is that we ARE winning! There are quite a number of herbs that I’ve been able to cut down on or quit altogether, and the physical difference in me from just a couple of months ago is incredible. I have more energy, can put my shoes & socks on without needing to contort myself in strange ways just to reach my feet, and no more pools of blood or fluid from scratching off the tiniest scab. You ARE making a HUGE difference in my life, and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

So please, if you can, I need your financial support to get rid of this damned hernia! We’re getting so incredibly close to what you’ve all been helping me reach for – let’s keep on making this dream come true – and THANK YOU!

That address once again – ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com

Love love love,

~ Casey

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The good with The bad

So, do you want the good news or bad news first?

Oh man – I was hoping you would say that. Okay! Good news it is. Here we go.

Remember that book I was telling you about, the one that I was planning to write? Well – I finally started it! It took some cunning, telling myself I was going to sit down & write something else, but at the last second I told myself I was going to at least start the book – and that’s what happened.

It won’t be like anything you’ve read before. Unapologetic, authentic, moving & inspiring, it’s going to finally put into words the wild & often hilarious adventures I’ve had over the past ten years, from when I decided to give up everything & chase down my dreams… and it’s going to be entirely true. Wish me luck.
Now, the crappy news I just received this past Friday from my doctor.
It’s likely I’ll get denied the surgery I’ve needed & been hoping for for over five years.
Quick back-story: When my ascites (the abdominal swelling) was at its worst, the pressure was so severe that it actually pushed my insides outside. Squeezed a part of my small intestine out of my navel.
Over time, it’s grown. The skin has stretched, and even more of my intestine is on the wrong side of me. As a result I need to wear a hernia truss every single day, from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. If I don’t, the intestine stays out and even after putting the truss on, the pain lasts the rest of the day.
Now that I’ve fought so hard, and, with your help, been able to bring the swelling back down – my doctor told me on Friday that my platelets were so dangerously low that the surgeons told him they would likely deny me the surgery I need to fix it.
Thismeans never going anywhere, ever, without having to wear the truss. Beach, sunny park, anywhere I want to soak in the sun or just fucking be comfortable again.

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These pictures disgust me. As superficial as it is, I’m insanely (irrationally?) self-conscious about the way my hernia looks.
To think that I may have to live even longer with it is unbearable.

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Even a simple small cough causes pain – with or without the truss. It feels like my guts are going to rip through the thin skin & go shooting across the room like one of those trick peanut jars… so I need to raise my platelets, or this is going to be my life. There are a few things that help, the best being papaya juice and wheatgrass/chlorella – but as usual, I don’t even have money for healthy friggin’ food, much less indulging in things like taking my health back & being able to live a life that I used to take for granted – and so many still do.
So again, as degrading as it is, I have to ask for help. Right now I can’t even get to the pharmacy to pick up a needed prescription, because I don’t have the $2.25 for the damn bus. I don’t have money for food, for the coconut water that keeps away the bone-crushing cramps and keeps me hydrated as the other fluid is flushed out…

***So please – share this & give whatever you can. I’ll admit – though I’m grateful for anything, it’s horribly disheartening when I lay it all out there, force myself to ask again, and help just barely trickles in – like it has the past couple of times I’ve had to ask. Please. Help me get what I need so I can not only get healthier, but get the surgery I need for my hernia while I can. I have an appointment with the surgeons on January 14th. There is no time to waste.

My PayPal address is ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com, which is much preferred to the GoFundMe page – but if you wish to give there, the link is www.gofundme.com/fightingkflux .
Thank you.

Ah, but that’s right – I promised you some more good news.
The herbs are WORKING, and the swelling in my legs & abdomen is going down, much to my delight – and thanks to you. I’m finally able to consistently make it not only up the stairs without getting winded, but to the BIG dog park at the top of the hill, which for a while I could only get within two very steep blocks of. This, of course, is much to Ruby’s delight – but we’ve been hit with some pretty steady and much needed rain for a number of days now, and she isn’t to thrilled with that wet stuff from the sky. Still, I try to get my exercise in where I can – not only to build my strength back up after my muscles atrophied in the hospital, but it helps with the edema (legs) and ascites (abdomen). In the past 21 days, I’ve gone from 191.6 lbs. To 168.2 – with maybe 10 more to go. It’s slower, but much healthier than the prescription drugs, and well worth it.

We’ve accomplished some incredible things together. Without you there would never have been any possibility of getting better – no reason to fight, because I would have had nothing to fight with… but damn, look how far we’ve COME!
We’ve gotten this far. I promise that if you don’t give up on me, just hang in there for a short while longer – I won’t give up either.

I love you.

~ Casey

With the pedals come…

First, the amazing news:
Be HEALED! *ThWaP!!*
Some of you are aware that I started on the new, absolutely incredible treatment that *cures* Hep-C completely. Yeah, CURES. Like… it’s completely gone. No more constant fear of infecting anyone else by them using *anything* of mine that might have a microscopic drop of blood on it from a few weeks ago, and no worry of going even *further* downhill due to more damage.
That, of course, if IF it works – if it takes to the body, and does its job. There is always the possibility that it won’t…
Well, I went to the hospital Tuesday to pick up mythird 2 week supply of pills, and they had the bloodwork from the previous week done.
So… is it working, Doc? Are we getting the results we want?

DIG IT: In two short weeks, I went from 258,641 copies of the Hep-C virus per ml – to 13. THIRTEEN. Not thousand, not even hundred. 13 like you could count on your fingers, eyes & nose.
I’m getting CURED, after nearly 28 years of the virus slowly killing me – it will sooon be gone! C’mon, give me a HELLS YES! Open up your lungs and *scream* in celebration for the shit that’s actually working – let me HEAR ya!

But with the fantastic news, there is still the chewy center of fear. It happens when I let my guard down, when the strength wanes, when I relax for just a minute and my thoughts are allowed to wander.
It’s in these moments when I feel weak; like I have let myself down by letting myself feel, and what I feel in these moments is fear. Terror.
Failure for not being able to currently take care of myself, and letting this happen. Letting the virus take over because I feel as I have already asked for so much, been given so incredibly much by those who have been walking down this path with me…

This is how it began last time. The fluid leaking out of my body, draining, making me slip on the floor in my own juices… but this time I know so much more. I know how to keep the flesh from splitting, know how to make the symptoms and the pain of the swelling go away. I have the KNOWLEDGE to fix it this time…

I just don’t have the money for what I need, and without the herbs it very quickly gets worse.
So I have little choice. I hang my head again, and ask for help. Again.
I cannot do this alone. This is something that I need you to stay with me in – the financial help to get the herbs that I need to avoid returning to the hell you helped me fight my way out of four years ago.

So I’m asking. Pleading. The herbs I take DO help – I just need to stay on them until I’m able to get this back down to where it was – just te management.

So please, help if you are able. My paypal address is ksea@culturefluxmagazine.com – and I NEED your help. I’ve already waited much longer than I should have to ask.

ALso, please feel free to share this anywhere.

I still have some very important things I need to do – besides focus on not ending up in the hospital for months (or worse) again.

Thank you. I love you.

~ Casey

thousands to one

fuck this.
The book… the story will be nothing compared to asking for the support – the *permission* I will need to actually see it published, to be able to show so many others that absolutely *nothing* is impossible…

I had no choice but to ask for help, and you gave it – for my life. Without you, all of you, I would have certainly died…

but that was only one life. Only me – but I am someone you know.

Would you do the same for hundreds, maybe thousands that you don’t?

Whitney Moses
December 1, 2011 •
For folks that know kSea flux, he is fighting the fight of his life right now. I’ve never known anyone to continually outrun death quite like that man. Please keep him in your thoughts. He can use all the extra support he can get.

If nothing else, this will be an interesting social experiment.

To be Cured… & then, To Help

Over six months.

Over six months I’ve been in here, watching life from afar – my life, our life, the life I once had that so magnificently, rightfully, justifiably exhausts me and fills me with the energy of love as I see so many beautiful people, the people I am so blessed to call my friends and acquaintances as I walk into and around an event, as I fall in love with such beauty over and over and over again, completely awestruck by the talent, the dreams that are realized through so much effort, the way that they shine so brilliantly…

and gods, just things as simple as seeing someone’s face light up, a reflection of mine, as we notice each other on the floor and say hello.

It’s impossible to portray in words how much I miss that…

So I fight like hell – not only to live, but to come home. To be a part of the life I love so much again, to feel alive instead of watching people die – people who have given up the fight, or simply don’t know how to. I’ve watched four people die since I’ve been in here, and I’m sure there will be more… this is not a place that I want to be, but it’s where I need to be right now – so I fight like hell, doing every small thing in my power to get healthy enough to leave. I know exactly what my goal is, and I’m going to reach it.

For the most part I’ve been feeling better, much better since I began taking control over my own healing, but still have the edema and ascites (leg & abdomen swelling due to (in my case) cirrhosis of the liver), carrying an extra forty pounds of fluid which needs to come off – and therein lies the challenge.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It’s funny, in a tragic way.

The books I’m reading about real people who have cleared the Hep C Virus are like sitcoms where they keep complaining about how much money it takes, how much money they don’t have, yet they still manage to somehow come up with hundreds or  sometimes thousands of dollars for this treatment, that miraculous remedy, that perfect supplement or other thing which under normal circumstances I would write off as pure quackery, but in doing countless hours of research am convinced enough that it actually works to try it – these aren’t normal circumstances. I desperately want to live, not just survive, watching life and the world go by in pain, too exhausted to do anything anymore. I count my pennies and do what I can, but…

I think of all of the people who purchase their books; full of hope, expectations, and optimism that perhaps they could have their lives and dreams back before everything took a turn for the worse and the world they knew fell apart – that maybe, just maybe, the constant fatigue, the pain, & all of the various symptoms that are created by Hep-C could truly be cured. They read voraciously about these people who actually cured themselves, anticipating getting started… then they get to the parts about how much all of it cost the people who did it, and again, just like the other books, with a heavy sigh put the book down, again with all of their hopes and dreams, and wait to die, because they can’t afford to live.

To be CURED. Healed completely of Hepatitis C, forever. Something that the majority of western medicine still refuses to acknowledge as possible, but the proof that it’s possible if you’re willing to fight for your life is everywhere, baby – in the books I buy, in the relentless & exhausting research I do on the internet, checking and double checking all of the things that say they can help me live again. Some, of course, I still write off as complete bullshit – others that I have glanced over before, however… well, considering the dire circumstances & the extra research I have done, I feel deserve a fighting chance – to add to my chance to stay alive.

To be Cured. To have the energy back to chase down & live out my dreams – with perhaps the most important and reachable dream I have ever had added to them all. In the time I’ve been here and the research I’ve done, I’ve decided that I need to write a book – a book about how I cured myself with barely any money, a book that won’t discourage the average person from their fight to live. It will be complete yet relatively short, simple, and most important, hopefully fun to read. Something that gives hope, fuels the fight to stay alive – and maybe, just maybe – saves lives. (The book I’m reading now is dry as all hell, and though filled with perhaps the best & most information out of any other book I’ve bought, a bitch to get through.)

On a subject about something that is the fastest growing epidemic these days, I don’t think getting it published will be difficult…

But the only way I can write it is to get results, to cure myself, and with the fees I’m paying here & my only income being a single disability check, I don’t have the money I need to actually do all of the things I need to do to see if they work or not. I run out of herbs I know that are working to be able to afford something new, I don’t have any choice but to sometimes go with the lowest price/quality of them, and though many people have been wonderful and helped here and there with money, the fight to be able to purchase what I need is ongoing – it won’t stop until, at the very least, I’m healthy enough to leave this place and not have to pay the fees (or pay for food twice, as the health of the food here is, for the most part, pathetic; a small example being Tang and fruit punch instead of actual juices, and most everything over-salted. I spend as much as possible simply for food that isn’t bad for me…

So here it comes. I need people’s help, on a steady basis – but only until I’m out of here, and I’m fighting like hell towards that goal. I need to be able to stay in the herbs & supplements that I know do help, and be able to have the financial ability to try different things such as regular liver & gallbladder cleanses, purchase better, more effective herbs, be able to try other things that look promising and hell, just something as simple as healthy food. Though what I am doing has helped since I decided to take my healing into my own mind and hands in January, it needs to be stepped up in order to get healthy enough to actually get my ass out of here – to fight this like hell, to fight it with everything I can, as the new book I’m reading described a condition that my symptoms match exactly called Portal Hypertension – and it progresses severely.

That means asking for help. Asking you for help, because you’re all that I have. I believe that only another $100 – $200/month on top of my average of $300 will do it – and hell, compared to the f*cked up costs of prescription drugs, I feel that’s a bargain to stay alive. (My HIV meds – a bottle of 30 tablets – costs over $1700/month by comparison).

So… if any of you can commit to helping regularly so I don’t have to keep asking – $20, $40, $50/month, to help this fight, preferably in the middle-ish of the month when the plethora of necessary “save kSea’s life” stuff begins to run out (I take more than the recommended dose with many, as that’s for healthy people) – I don’t think I need to say how much I would appreciate it.

If it means anything, you’ll get an “Extra Special Thanks” mention in my book…

Which I will write from the beautiful road while I simultaneously get my ass back to working on CultureFlux.

If you can help at all, or if you have helped, thank you so very much – you know how much it means to me – but in order for this to work I need steady assistance so I can keep up on all of what I need to fight this – and I need to fight like hell.

(Paypal addy kSea@culturefluxmagazine.com)