No Less Lonely

Shortly after noon, a Thursday that I have decided to re-edit my books, perhaps begin with a more grandiose beginning than the first entries, perhaps entering in the story later – because, well – the first entries are somewhat boring, don’t catch ya – and although it leads so perfectly into the entire story, it’s all about being able to sell it to the publisher.

 

I think about the book “Go Ask Alice” – but her journal was found and published after she was dead, and I don’t intend to die. I write because I want the enemy that I can’t harm anymore to read my life, I write because I want to be known. I write because it is the best addiction that I have, and I’ve given up most of the others.

 

It’s strange reading, again, my past. I’m a product of it, but not one to dwell. Everything is now, and I’ve been able to make things right as time goes on – all, but one, recently. One without words, one with the disgusting politeness that comes from nothing else to say when I see her.

She took my heart, made me believe in something special – then went away, in silence…

You knew so much better than to do that, miss sensitive. I told you the thing that hurts me the most, destroys me. The silence, the unknowing. Your own walls are no excuse – unless you meant to truly do me harm. Whether you did or didn’t –

 

Fuck you. I still love you – and I need to find a way to let go, to write again…

 

Much better to let you go, at least to try. I say Goodbye in hopes that we might meet again. Small hope, but a deep one.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Beans teeth hang above my head on my narrow bed as I write this, I try to forget the words I have recently sent to someone who could have been, and as I think about what I have written, know it was necessary. I think. I don’t know. Something needed to happen, is all I know. I push back my hair and it falls in my face again and loneliness has a new meaning, again. With all of my grand plans for the day, I haven’t left this fucking box except to send

One

Fucking

Painful

Message…

Fine and fuck it all.

 

A former lover and new friends have visited, bringing the beautiful candelabra of my grandmothers which is now sitting by her picture until it finds the perfect place, bringing rum and easy conversation.

 

Strange how I am no less lonely when friends are near, I just hide it better and you’ll never fucking see it.

 Is this the life I have chosen?

Perhaps, a fools mistake – because gods, I want you near. Someone, the perfect ones – all three of them, have gone away but I still have the friends who just wont let me fucking die.

 

Nor will I, and I

I would do anything to keep you here

I would do anything for you

I will do everything for my dreams, and

you are a part of them, and as strong as I am,

I don’t want to do this alone

and I can’t explain why

but as strong as I am I need you

I need you

because Katrina showed me, ages ago

who I am

and perhaps she thought of me as she exchanged vows

(but I hope not)

and that is the person who no one has seen

the person who I wish to find someone

strong enough to know

strong enough to bring into their life, as

I only build, I only dream, and

all of my life I have been hated for this

but it is what I chase and it is what I am

I am nothing short of my dreams

much more than them, and

they keep on growing

 

And in these writings I don’t have any secrets anymore, and in these writings I don’t want to because I’ve lived a life wrapped up in secrets pain but there is always more to say and there is always a way

 

Always a way to do something better.

 

But still I search for the man I am supposed to be

and I live  for one day, in any book

someone using the she pronoun instead of he

and someone that is able to accept me

for who I am

for who I have become

for all that I am,

and are not afraid to accept my becoming.

 

I do what I need to do

I say what I need to say

and this little boy has grown up

this little boy is bitter, hungry

and this little boy is now a man

that burns in his search for someone

because although I am a warrior

because apparently I am supposed to be alone

I don’t want to be. Simple.

 

I want to wrap myself around the perfect woman,

I need a friend in this fight

I need someone to look for, to look into, to believe in,

when I need strength when I cant find it inside of me.

I need the perfect princess to wrap her arms around me

for I am nothing less than magick, 

I am nothing less than a King.

 

This life has been hard fought for in its becoming

immeasurable pain that any fool would crumble under

just like I did, and that fool became stronger as a result of it

and then I knew so much more, and I became again me

and my life has been nothing but blessed

cursed and won, and this is who I am now, with a fucking vengeance, realizing the lonelineness of my voice on these pages, in these words and there is no quiet inside and FUCK you.

I love you.

A king has found a ridiculous throne but still I write and still it is love and still it is you and I am only me because of you, all of you.

You and all that can’t be given back.

 

I just want to be me, and have someone understand me in this dirty mirror. See me, reflect me, know a similar pain and we can shine so brilliantly together.

 

I will never let you know the pain, you never will – the one who knew understood married off, the other two have nothing for me but more pain, Goodbye to both and I am stronger than that but fuck, I miss someone, I loathe this solitude and I hate you and I am better than that and I am – well, I’m a wee bit drunk, and then some. It’s been a rough night.

 

I don’t need to talk but still I pull my hair out of my mouth as this goodbye is said and I LOVE YOU, surely I do. I can only hate the ones that I have love so sincerely, loved with such abandon.

There is nothing left

nothing left

to say

I already  miss you, and fuck you – you reminded me of Katrina, Striggy, and fuck you, the third. Unnamed, you know who you are. I still have grace.

 

I stumble. I need to sleep.

 

and my ass hurts, is weary of sitting on nothing soft.

 

 

2: 10 am this ends